[cancer] Return of the Fear

Walking out of the pharmacy today (on a non-cancer-related errand) I was struck by the Fear again. It hit me hard and fast, my breath shuddering in my chest. I managed to walk it off, or so I thought, until I got home. Pulled into the driveway at Nuevo Rancho Lake listening to “The Ballad of Pancho and Lefty”, which is a song that can bring tears to my eye on a good day. Carried some boxes of stuff for inside, and just lost it completely.

And once again, talked me off the ledge, all the way from California. Because that’s the kind of thing we do for each other.

I know why the Fear is coming back. The year anniversary of the initial hospital admission is almost upon me. The surgery anniversary is in a month. The one-year followup tests just after that. That trainload of stress is gathering speed. Sometimes I’m very, very afraid I’ll have to back to cancerland, be slow again, maybe die this time. Most of the time I know better, much better.

But the Fear is tricky.

And I hate being its victim. Even for a moment.

4 thoughts on “[cancer] Return of the Fear

  1. Hi Jay,

    If you can’t get away from the fear, can you make it your friend? Something that reminds you how precious it all is?

    And hey – hugs.

    Have a good weekend. I hear there is NO SNOW in the forecast. 🙂

  2. I will pray for you whether you allow it or not.

    –julie

    1. Jay says:

      I may be an atheist, but I am very Low Church about it. Which is to say, I appreciay=te and welcome what prayer means to those who pray, even though it is not my own path. Thank you,

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