[cancer] The Fear, nibbling

So I haven’t been having a full blown attack of the Fear, but I seem to be slipping into an increasing maze of worry and emotional unreliability. The one year followups are Thursday and Friday. Oversimplifying, that’s where I get to find out if my life goes back to normal. If my colon, lymph system and liver are clean, the cancer wasn’t aggressive, and life goes on. If I’m developing new polyps, or have spots in lymph or liver, the cancer was aggressive, and we do whatever we need to do next.

I’m tired of the Fear. (Which I think means it’s losing its power over me, but not this day.) I’m tired of being cancer boy. I’m healthy and fit — more so in both cases since last year’s illness than any time since my college years. Life is good. I have the love of and , I have an interesting writing career, I have a stable Day Jobbe. I don’t want to go back to cancerland. I want to keep this normal life I won back at such cost.

Nobody thinks I’m going to get a return ticket to cancerland. My doctor is optimistic. My baseline health is a terrifically positive indicator. But until they’ve gone in and looked this Thursday and Friday, we don’t know. And the Fear has developed a conjoined twin; the Doubt. In some ways, the Doubt is tougher. I can shrug the Fear off, I know it for what it is. The Doubt has a tinge of reasonableness to it which the Fear never achieved.

I grow my own monsters, thank you very much. Both in my gut and in my soul. I can slay them. And I will.

But they’re still real.

5 thoughts on “[cancer] The Fear, nibbling

  1. Kai Jones says:

    Cancer is an attack on your identity, not just a physical illness.

    1. Jay says:

      Very well put. I’ve been injured, I’ve been ill; many times in my life. This has been so different…

  2. Wishing you an abundance of health and peace this week. All the best, Rob

    1. Jay says:

      Thank you.

  3. tetar says:

    I’ll just warn you that, although there are periods of respite, some longer than others, the Fear always returns and the Doubt always lingers. Both demand adjustments and accommodations.

    Be well, dude. Remember, it’s the quality of the connections that counts most. The Fear and the Doubt are both real but neither need be definitive.

    Before cancer, I chopped wood and fetched water. After cancer, I chopped wood and fetched water.

    Tend your ox.

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