[books] In other news
In other news, I have finally finished reading Herman Melville’s The Confidence-Man: His Masquerade. Review later. Possibly much later…
Posted: 6:09 pm Mon May 18 2009 | Comments(0) |
[cancer] Some good news
A couple of pieces of good news since last I posted. (And it’s amazing how relative one’s standards for “good” news can be.)
Spoke to my cancer doc. He tells me that the PET report shows lymph nodes clear. Right now we’re running with the assumption of no lymphatic involvement. That’s huge for me, both emotionally and medically, as it removes the biggest, darkest black hole of fear, pain and mortality from this equation. I still have questions about how the cancer got from the colon to liver, and what that implies for the lymph, but we’re not looking at immediate risks there. A big bullet dodged.
On the liver, he wants to proceed with some support from a liver cancer specialist and the tumor board at the hospital. Next steps are probably MRI and biopsy. He characterizes the PET report as “anomalies” rather than “tumors” at this point, but that’s not so much optimism as precision about the lack of full information. I’ll go in sometime next week when I’m back from my travels for a consult, and possibly the MRI.
On the polyp and the possible recurrence of colon cancer, the path report came back today. Polyp was benign but definitely pre-cancerous. We’ll be discussing my colonoscopy schedule at the consult, and the long-term implications of this. While upsetting in their own right, that’s another bullet dodged for right now.
So I’m down from three possible cancers to one. The liver cancer is curable, manageable, addressable; and I’ll only be fighting one damned thing at time. The colon stuff may become a lifetime rearguard action, but it won’t accelerate my mortality much so long as I’m extremely diligent. And the lymphatic involvement, well, it’s off the table.
Amazing what can count as good news, isn’t it? It’s a weird life I have when the prospect of liver surgery is an upgrade and cause for optimism, but that’s true.
Posted: 5:07 pm Mon May 18 2009 | Comments(9) |
[writing] Because I am a writer
Did get about two hours done on Pinion inflight. Will have it in this week, before cancer follies begin in earnest.
Posted: 9:24 am Mon May 18 2009 | Comments(2) |
[cancer] Back to cancerland
PET scan says probable liver tumors. I’m not able to interpret the medicalese sufficiently to determine whether lymph is also at issue. Now in Denver changing planes, on hold with my doctor’s office seeking next steps. More when it happens.
In other news, a woman behind me collapsed in the boarding line in Portland. I was able to cushion her head, check for heart attack and stroke, determine she was lucid, give her a sip of water and get the paramedics rolling. An RN then stepped out of the crowd and took over from me. The woman later boarded the plane, so she must have been okay.
You win some, you lose some.
Posted: 8:47 am Mon May 18 2009 | Comments(13) |
[links] Link salad flies to Omaha
Don’t forget to vote for new caption contest — Some funny stuff there.
Get Fuzzy on dictionaries and thesaurii — Hahahahah.
The World’s Best Illusion: The Secret of the Curve Ball — (Thanks to
Moon rays over Thurso Castle — Another APOD image of teh awesumness.
Lockheed-Martin “Skunk Works” P791 LTA ACLS dynmicpara — Dept of WTF was that? (Snurched from Dark Roasted Blend.)
Why Are Boy Scouts Being Trained to Fight Terrorists? — (Thanks to
?otD: Ralph or Norton?
5/18/2009
Body movement: n/a (travel day)
This morning’s weigh-in: 218.0
Currently reading: The Confidence-Man: His Masquerade by Herman Melville
Posted: 4:32 am Mon May 18 2009 | Comments(0) |
[personal] A grand evening out
Had a lovely evening with K—,
Posted: 8:42 pm Sun May 17 2009 | Comments(0) |
[travel] Dinner in Dover?
Any peeps up for a dinner in Dover, DE, this coming Wednesday or Thursday evening? 20th or 21st.
Posted: 2:52 pm Sun May 17 2009 | Comments(0) |
[cancer] Where the heart goes when the head doesn’t know
Still no change in the medical situation. Polyp is out for pathology; PET scans are somewhere in the nuclear medicine pipeline, which will eventually disgorge them to my doctor. More will be known next week, news to come in whilst I am peregrinating about the North American continent. Been a challenging weekend for everyone in my life, not the least me.
As I have been doing since the beginning, I’m setting down here my thoughts and feelings about this. Frankly, I’m tried of hearing myself talk about it. I’m tired of being afraid. I’m tired of living through this. All this while quite possibly a more troublesome path has only just begun.
Three things are meaningful at this point.
First, the polyp. A medium-sized polyp was removed from my colon last Thursday and sent out for pathology. Morphologically it doesn’t appear to have been malignant, but they have to analyze. Malignant or not, this is troublesome for the simple fact that I shouldn’t have been able to grow a polyp of that size in twelve months. What this suggests (in my personal understanding, not via medical advice) is that my colon is going to be fairly aggressive about polyps, and therefore, cancerous behaviors. This means that last year’s Excellent Cancer Adventure was not a one-time thing, but more of a lifestyle. That being said, this is also completely manageable. My risk factors are higher, but my quality of life isn’t particularly compromised, nor is my life expectancy, so long as I keep ahead of new growth.
Second, the recurrence issue. Part of my coping with last year’s cancer was an increasing belief in the prevailing medical advice that I was an excellent risk. My doctor has observed that patients with my recovery profile and baseline health can often return to the general population. Five years of clean colonoscopies would have done that for me. But this isn’t a one-time issue, it’s a recurring issue. Which means, emotionally and healthcare-wise, I can never again afford to trust that this is all over. In a sense, the emotional impact of recurrence is a subset of the above issue, but in my mind, it takes on a life of its own. I am currently experiencing a profound mistrust of my body — My gut is trying to kill me! Again! — which is very inappropriate. I cannot heal and maintain health without an emotional and physiological balance. I’m angry, afraid, sad, and having to discard my now-obsolete fantasy of ever being normal in this regard.
Third, the spots on the CT scan. This is only speculative, me reacting to ambiguous results, but it’s huge. When the PET scan results come in, I’ll retrench and go forward. But today, two factors emerge. If I have tumors in my liver, that’s operable. I’ll have another version of last year’s surgery experience, after which I’ll be missing more of my body parts, and have an excised tumor. That sucks, it’s alarming, I have fantasies of someday being a hollow man, whistling words wrapped in parchment skin, but by God, if I’m alive to see the day, then I have won.
If I have tumors in my lymph nodes, that’s where the big black hole of scary opens up. A whole new meaning of the Fear emerges from that. Lymphatic cancers are inoperable, pretty much by definition. They can take specific nodes out, I suppose, but the lymph system as a whole can’t be excised. That will invoke chemotherapy. And mortality rates on lymphatic cancers vary from “yeah, whatever” to “keep the mortician on speed-dial.” If any of this is going to put me into the ground fast and early, it will be the lymphatic involvement. Even without that, chemotherapy will quite possibly alter my life in ways that even surgery can’t do. I don’t want to be a spindly, balding ghost in my own body.
Obviously my reactions to these realities are highly emotional. Also not necessarily grounded in any medical best practices or solid thinking. When I know more data, I can move my goalposts and substitute planning and understanding for the simmering panic which best characterizes my mental state at this point. If I’m very lucky, the PET scan will tell us the CT scan was erroneous. Which still leaves the polyp and the recurrence issues, but I’d be damned glad to only have those to focus my anger and dread upon.
Posted: 2:39 pm Sun May 17 2009 | Comments(3) |
[links] Link salad for a thoughtful Sunday
Don’t forget to vote for new caption contest — Some funny stuff there.
Language Log on the magic of newspaper headlines
Illusion Cloak Makes One Object Look like Another
?otD: George Jetson or Jane Jetson? Show your work.
5/17/2009
Body movement: n/a (had to get
This morning’s weigh-in: 216.0
Currently reading: The Confidence-Man: His Masquerade by Herman Melville
Posted: 9:39 am Sun May 17 2009 | Comments(0) |
[photos] Signing the author wall at Powell’s
© 2009 Shannon Page, her report here.
Posted: 9:14 pm Sat May 16 2009 | Comments(0) |