[cancer] Fear, moving like a slow tide

I had an absolutely lovely weekend in San Francisco with . This included hanging with , attending Writers with Drinks, visiting Borderlands Books for a copy of Madness of Flowers, and a classic car picnic on Sunday. But much of the weekend was colored by a rather slow-moving and faint yet pervasive bout of the Fear.

This is not the usual pathology of my Fear. I typically experience a short, sharp attack of anger, grief or depression, sometimes to the point of being physically overwhelemed, then, within about ten minutes or less, I’m fine. Sort of like flybys.

Instead it was in and around me, lapping at me, growing.

outdid herself in listening to me, loving me, giving me a safe emotional context to work this out. We had some intense moments, all to the good, but man, it’s tough stuff.

At this point I’m starting to resent the Fear precisely because it does feel relict. Hey, I’ve been living with this shit for a while. In some senses, I’ll be living with it for the rest of my life, no matter how this next few rouns goes. So, erm, can I please be excused?

But no. And yes, I know it would be far weirder if I wasn’t reacting. But Ghu, I’m tired of being this way, even intermittently.

One thought on “[cancer] Fear, moving like a slow tide

  1. Overcoming, or at least confronting, the fear is so important. Being open and honest with loved ones who support you is crucial. The fear destroyed my dad; he refused to deal with it, or even talk about it, and it not only made him miserable, it made his illness unbearable to him and it seriously detracted from his ability to fight it. My mom had a hard time opening up about it, and she had a hard time expressing her feelings, but once she did she dealt with all the other feelings and worries with more fortitude and confidence. She still had to keep working at it: “I’ve never cried this much in my life!” But that work keeps you connected to people, and to your own state of mind.

    It’s great that you have someone to hash it out with, even when the emotional going gets tough.

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