Jay Lake: Writer

[cancer] Tears fall down like missiles from the skies

What the hell can I say? Cancer sucks. I’ve been extraordinarily busy, and will continue to be so through the weekend, which is almost certainly a goodness. Sixteen hour workday yesterday (seriously), though dropped by for a visit later, so I did get some friend time in. Driving back to Portland today, then hopping a plane for San Jose this afternoon, and on into the madness of World Fantasy, with once more.

Everyone around me is pierced, again. I see it in ‘s eyes, in my parents’ faces, in Mother of the Child’s voice. I keep apologizing, though for what, I cannot say. I despise being the agent of this terror, bringing it into the camp of my loved ones like a gift horse on Greek-built wheels. Despite my best efforts otherwise, once again I have become a tumor.

I’m not so much with the panic this time, at least not yet. But the Fear is certainly a constant companion right now. Surgery, whatever. This will be a fraction of the trouble of last year’s surgery. (Though I hope like hell cancer surgery is not an annual event in my life going forward.) Chemo scares me. The possibility of it being a second cancer scares me.

I thought I was going to write a fairly intelligent post about cancer fear, but I see that I’m just rambling. So, erm, I think I’ll go back to being afraid.

And for you arts types, I think I’m going to get a tattoo that says ‘CANCER SUCKS’. I’m envisioning it as being like old fashioned typewriter keys, round with letters in the middle, as if sketched in pencil with some cross shading. Anybody got any good photo or image references to art like that?

Tags: Calendula, Cancer, Conventions, family, Personal, Travel

Posted: 5:11 am Wed October 28 2009 |

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• Mike Brotherton

  October 28th, 2009 at 3:30 pm

  I wonder if you remember that piece of art I bought at an Armadillocon way back in the 1990s. There was a Houston artist doing Apocalyptic clowns. One of the pieces I bought was a painting of Tumor the clown, who looked white-washed and brain dead. Probably not quite what you want for your tattoo, but what I thought of.

  Reply

  • Earl Cooley III

    October 29th, 2009 at 9:33 am

    That sounds like an Insane Clown Posse reference, but it could have been arrived at independently. I agree that the image doesn’t sound tattoo-friendly.

    Reply

• Meran

  October 29th, 2009 at 10:57 pm

  I think a better tattoo would be “live well”
  
  NOT acknowledging the devastation; instead celebrating the lovely life you have… Just my nickel’s worth, Jay
  Meran

  Reply

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