[publishing] The world without you
Happy 80th birthday, Ursula K. Le Guin.
I don’t know what our genre would be without you, but certainly it would have been far less rich and exciting.
Posted: 5:21 am Wed October 21 2009 | Comments(1) |
[personal] The seduction of Muralism
I awoke this morning from a dream about a Hollywood cult that was planning to bring about the end of the world. They were Muralists, and worshipped Diego Rivera. Their plan was to ignite a nuclear war, thus immanentizing the eschaton. In the mean time, they were dropping broken clear glass into hotel swimming pools and similar such mischief. I’d infiltrated the cult in an attempt to stop them, but then found myself seduced by Muralism. As I exited the dream, we were all gathered to watch the suns rise over the cities of the world.
Anxiety, much?
Posted: 5:04 am Wed October 21 2009 | Comments(0) |
[cancer] Just a bit more
I’m sick of hearing myself talk about this crap. That’s probably a good sign. The ugly voices in my head have not yet tired of themselves, unfortunately.
Tomorrow’s the PET/CT scan. That means starting tonight I’m not supposed to exercise, and should eat lightly, tapering off to NPO in the morning. They want my metabolism at as low an ebb as possible. (In which case, about 9:30 at night would be the perfect time for this procedure.) This is the giant radioactive spider test, as previously described here.
As several people noted yesterday, one reason I’m so incredibly stressed about this particular set of scans is this where we find out how significant the suspected metastasis is. The July scans were inconclusive, but due to the margin of error in the CT process, a growth factor of up to 50% could have been obscured. If the two sites are in fact growing, it should be indisputable in this upcoming scan. If they are not growing, then that leads down other paths.
I may miss a blog day tomorrow, depending on my stress levels and timing issues. Stay tuned if so. I’ll be back.
Also, a bit of personal history on the cancer, for newer readers: [ jlake.com | LiveJournal ].
Posted: 4:43 am Wed October 21 2009 | Comments(3) |
[photos] Your Wednesday moment of zen
Taken by me at the Ballard Market in Seattle. © 2009 by Joseph E. Lake, Jr.
This work by Joseph E. Lake, Jr. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.
Posted: 4:29 am Wed October 21 2009 | Comments(0) |
[links] Links salad is there in the corner, losing its religion
Vintage Trashy Psperback Covers — Mmm, mmm, love that art.
Beyond Darwin: The Future of Exoplanet Imaging — This is fascinating stuff.
The Open Space Movement — Exactly what the name says, and a cool idea. Quite curious to see where the implementation goes. (Thanks to LW.)
An Open Letter to Bill Maher on Vaccinations — Antivaxing isn’t just wilful ignorance, like evolution denial, it’s downright dangerous.
The Takeover — Ta-Nehisi Coates on Pat Buchanan embarrassing conservatives (and Americans everywhere) yet again.
“We’ve got a rep for that” — Republicans in Congress. Funny, or it would be if it weren’t true. (Thanks to CEP.)
Fear Not: What does virtual rumor-mongering say about Christians? — Associated Baptist Press on conservative rumor mongering. Note the references to Fox News. I find this fascinating, because this is the Evangelical community talking to itself about some of the things I find most poisonous and wrong-headed about American Christians. (Via Talking Points Memo.)
?otD: Is that you there in the spotlight?
10/21/2009
Body movement: n/a (sick houseguest)
Hours slept: 5.25
This morning’s weigh-in: 233.2
Currently reading: Dragon in Chains by Daniel Fox
Posted: 4:25 am Wed October 21 2009 | Comments(0) |
[cancer] Melting from stress
So the PET/CT scan is in two days.
This pre-test stress, as seen last April and May, and again last July, as well as now, is the worst I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’ve certainly been under more acute stress in unfortunate moments — nearly drowning twice, once in a boating accident while lighting struck the water around me, once while swimming caught in a potboil below a dam spillway where I could not find my way to the surface — also, for example, when I took a faceplant at 25 mph from my bike in heavy traffic. Even the onset of cancer in April and May of 2008 was more overwhelming than stressful. We didn’t know what was going on at first, then when we did, it all happened so fast that I think shock protected me from the worst of it.
The problem now is that I know exactly what’s going on, except for the parts where I don’t. And while even the most casual observer of my lifestyle must realize that I thrive on ambiguity and choas, these cancer issues are a notable exception. I would be far less stressed (in the sense of existential dread punctuated by irruptions of terror and panic) if aced with surgery or chemo, simply because I would know what’s going to happen, and I’d deal with it.
What I’m seeing now is funny things in my mind. I call it being hard of thinking. I forget things, I repeat myself, I speak unwisely, I can’t perform simple tasks. Sudoku is almost beyond me now, and last night, I made an utter hash of helping
Being me, the writer mind is always on, an objective observer taking notes, providing a running flow of remarks, observations, critiques and whatnot. It’s like having an MLB color commentator in my head. I’m used to it — that’s part of the not-so-latent schizophrenia of being a writer. But usually my inner commentator and my outer behaviors are reasonably well aligned, in that I’m a decently integrated human being. Not so much right now. Even stress doesn’t shut that voice off. Only severe pain or heavy medication will do it.
The scans are the day after tomorrow, the oncology consult is the following Monday. After that, well, I have my one road with three maps I talked about yesterday. I suppose what I keep having to prove over and over again is that fear of the unknown is a far more powerful force for me than fear of the known.
But I hate it when my brain turns to sludge. Hate hate hate. Do not want.
Did I mention that cancer sucks?
Posted: 5:29 am Tue October 20 2009 | Comments(5) |
[art] The Child continues to make a house
A while back,
As usual, more at the Flickr set.
Photos © 2009 by Joseph E. Lake, Jr. Art © 2009 B. Lake.
This work by Joseph E. Lake, Jr. and B. Lake is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.
Posted: 5:15 am Tue October 20 2009 | Comments(4) |
[photos] Your Tuesday moment of zen
Your Tuesday moment of zen.
Panoramic view of the pass between Cimarron Canyon and Eagle Nest, NM
© 2006, 2009 by Joseph E. Lake, Jr.
This work by Joseph E. Lake, Jr. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.
Posted: 5:11 am Tue October 20 2009 | Comments(0) |
[links] Link salad’s car broke down and it started walking
A reader reacts to Green [ Powell's | Amazon
Part three of “Chain of Stars” is live at Subterranean — My steampunk astronaut story.
The behavior of antibubbles — Wow. Who knew?
In comments on yesterday’s Link Salad,
Rush, the Rams and Righteous Conservatives — A little history, from the memory hole, about politicization of sports franchises. Ah, intellectual consistency, that backbone of conservative discourse.
?otD: Where were they going without ever knowing the way?
10/20/2009
Body movement: 15 minutes of stretching and meditation
Hours slept: 5.75
This morning’s weigh-in: 234.0
Currently reading: Dragon in Chains by Daniel Fox
Posted: 5:07 am Tue October 20 2009 | Comments(0) |
[cancer] Three maps, one road; and the Fear
This just in: cancer sucks.
Nothing new to report on from the medical perspective, and there won’t be until after my oncology appointment on the 26th. However, the PET/CT scan is coming up on the 22nd. And, as in the past, the Fear continues to gnaw at me. The pathology continues to be a bit different this go round, more on the existential dread side, less on the outbursts of rage or panic or terror. I suspect this means I continue to adapt. Meditation this morning was…interesting. But that’s why I’ve taken it up, to try to get a handle on this stuff.
I managed to keep very busy this weekend, with the first of
So I’ve managed to keep myself very busy (read: distracted), which seems to help. As social as I am, I’m also generally fine being alone. But not with the black tide of cancer Fear soaking through the roots of my waking mind.
Interestingly, I’m very focused on the scan date, though we won’t get any new information from that process. I’ll be in a bit of a sweat over SteamCon weekend, because I’ll have refocused on the oncology date the Monday after. By the time I get to WFC, my life will have taken one of three directions. Most likely: another three month scan-and-hold. Next likely: start chemo asap. Least likely: affirmative diagnosis that takes us away from cancer altogether. I feel like a man with three maps, who doesn’t know which one applies to the road he’s on.
Did I mention that cancer sucks?
Posted: 5:35 am Mon October 19 2009 | Comments(2) |