[cancer] Seeing the surgeon today

Seeing the thoracic surgeon today. could not be here, so is stepping up to be my eyes and ears. I’m amazingly calm this morning. The pot is boiling, but quietly.

On my walk I was thinking about the things I’m afraid of. Some of them are valid, many are emotional responses to the ongoing stress of the situation. Oddly, I’m not particularly afraid of dying (though that’s certainly not in the cards at the moment anyway, as anything more than the usual risks of showering, driving the car, etc.).

Things I am afraid of in surgery, chemo and beyond:

  • Losing my ability to write
  • Losing my sexuality
  • The clouding of my thoughts
  • Endless fear
  • Allowing myself to become a victim
  • The processes of chemotherapy
  • That I will be playing whack-a-mole with cancer for the rest of my life
  • That I will keep hurting those who love me by never getting well
  • Leaving , and my parents behind
  • Not being able to be me any more

In truth, the list goes on and on, but most of it boils into the above points. I continue to face it down and move on, because in truth, what else is there to do? A close friend who is a double cancer survivor says, “I don’t wear the pink hat.” I suppose I wear the pink hat when I talk about this, but what I want most is normalcy, and I am afraid that is gone forever.

Today I find out more. More information is always better.

2 thoughts on “[cancer] Seeing the surgeon today

  1. Phiala says:

    Aren’t those all different ways of not being you any more?

    I don’t know what exactly this means coming from someone you’ve never met, but you are brave in all the ways that I’m not, and I respect you greatly for it. You are too intelligent and self-aware to either be not afraid or to let it stop you for very long.

  2. Rashda says:

    I’m also somebody you don’t know, but you gave me the courage to keep writing. Thanks.

    True bravery doesn’t mean there’s no fear. It means you face down the fear and keep on doing what you want to do. You’re a brave man and I’m sending good vibes your way.

    Take care. 🙂

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