[cancer] Closing in

Surgery is in two days. Nothing like a nacho-ectomy to brighten one’s holidays. Still, I think this is a good time to have this surgery.

I’ve been narrowing more and more. It’s increasingly difficult to respond to email, and I’ve become almost utterly single threaded. I know from last year’s cancer surgery that this is normal for me pre-op, but I have some pretty serious hate for what the whole business does to my mind and my emotions.

has been here since my return from California last week, being an absolute brick, and serving as my cancer buddy. arrived last night, bearing my heart with her. I’ve got an H1N1 shot today (finally!) and a therapist’s appointment, some friend/family stuff tomorrow, then, well, that’s pretty much it for a while.

This blog will be going dormant while I’m in the hospital, at least til I’ve recovered sufficiently to peck at a keyboard. will be posting updates on her blog, and she’ll have the keys to my Twitter feed, @jay_lake, for realtime updates during surgery and my post-operative stay in the ICU.

My state of mind is about what you’d expect. A mix of dread, terror and anticipation. Two days from now I jump off a cliff and begin a long fall that won’t really end before next July when I’ve tapered off chemo.

I never wanted this. No one ever does, I guess. Sometimes the sheer horror of it all just overwhelms me. I just hang on to the notion that I’ll eventually get my life back.

17 thoughts on “[cancer] Closing in

  1. We are all hanging onto that for you as well. {{{JL}}}

  2. Cate Gardner says:

    Good luck, Jay. Will be thinking of you.

  3. Luís Rodrigues says:

    All the best to you, Jay. We’re rooting for your recovery.

  4. Hang in there, Jay. We’ll be talking about a short story before you know it!

  5. Thinking of you, hoping for only the best for you. {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

  6. Pablo Defendini says:

    We’re all pulling for you, Jay. All will be well.

  7. Tzi says:

    Thinking of you, Jay, and we’ll be hoisting a mug of cider in your honor.

  8. Best of luck to you, Jay. I’ve had some family run the cancer gauntlet, and do not envy the emotional and mental rollercoaster you’re experiencing; on top of the physical pain and debilitation.

    May the surgery go quickly, successfully, and forward you towards a better prognosis.

    Try to keep your attitude positive, if possible. I’ve seen more than one cancer patient beat the demon, on positive attitude more than almost anything. Amazing what the body is capable of, when the mind and the heart and the soul are each singularly focused and committed.

    Hang in there. Carry on.

  9. We’ll all be waiting for you on the other end of it, Jay. Focus on what you need to, we’ll keep.

    And I hear Turkey Jello is the bomb.

  10. The best wish I can give you is that it is quick, over and done with, and time flies. Good luck.

  11. Cora says:

    Good luck and best wishes for a complete and speedy recovery.

  12. Greg says:

    My partner and I are keeping good thoughts and wishes for your health and speedy recovery…

  13. Good luck and good thoughts coming your way.

  14. Ieva says:

    I’m sending good thoughts your way all across the globe. Be well, and hang on!

  15. Good luck Jay! Hugs. Do well. Will be thinking of you and watching for tweets.

  16. Matt says:

    Good luck! Positive thoughts to you.

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