A few more notes on all this.
Lower GI follies are a more or less permanent fixture now. Last week’s madness has recurred at lower intensity several times since, though these past two days, things have more or less flipped the other way, to where I am passing not nearly enough material. More annoyingly, the ability of my sleeping metabolism to suppress my lower GI function (ie, what most people do, including me when not on chemo) seems to be lost.
So I wake up, a lot. A lot more than I normally do. And by the time I’m finished dealing with the urgency, which always involves a certain amount of waiting about, I’m wide awake. Even when I’m not having the serial bowel movements of last week, that’s enough to knock me off my sleep cycle. Usually I’m a champion sleeper. I’ve slept through hurricanes, typhoons, earthquakes, a four-alarm dorm fire (when I was 19), parties, you name it. Not now. When, of course, I need to sleep more than ever.
Short term memory continues to bedevil me. For example, I left my credit card in a restaurant two days ago (I sure hope I did) and still have not managed to call and check on it.
This, along with the anomia I mentioned the other day, is pretty damned frustrating. Fold it into the short term memory deficits and the lacunae in my long term memory, and I’m even more annoyed. Reading long form material is tough as well. Can’t seem to hang in there.
I’ve also found in dealing with my personal life that emotional tolerance is slowly shortening. Since my relationship style is pretty much defined by emotional tolerance, this is rather distressing.
And of course, the endless fatigue. I’m not even a month into this, and I’m already sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Despite everything, I remain fundamentally positive in my outlook, and fairly peaceful in the rounds of my daily life. I know what these problems are — they’re chemo side effects, they’re not me. And honestly, except for some of the lower GI stuff, they’re pretty mild, and reasonably livable. Some of my friends and loved ones both IRL and online, including
I will not be the person chemo is making me into — hard of thinking, forgetful, slow moving, exhausted. I will be me.