[cancer] Oi
Tough day. Toughest Wednesday yet, in this whole cycle, from a purely physical perspective. A keen reminder that chemo ain’t over til it’s over.
Posted: 5:18 pm Wed June 23 2010 | Comments(4) |
[personal] Open thread
Haven’t done it in a while, so here’s an open thread. Ask me about cancer, writing, publishing, growing up in Africa and Asia, parenting, whatever.
I’ll answer as time and brainspace permit.
Posted: 5:25 am Wed June 23 2010 | Comments(17) |
[cancer] Forget Roger Daltrey, I hope I get old before I die
Yesterday was ok.
I am feeling better. One of the ways I cope with bad stuff (for example, the 40% possibility of further metastasis) is by running to the dark edge and kicking a few rocks over. This can be mistaken by the casual observer for wallowing or obsessive negativity, but I think of it more as beating the bounds. Know where the borders of fear are, then go back to my center and keep an eye out.
In the mean time, I’ve made an ophthalmological appointment to go with my various cancer followups, dental appointment and foot appointment. Colonscopy scheduler is supposed to call me today or tomorrow. So, assuming I don’t have foot cancer, glaucoma, rotten teeth, recurrent metastases or an aggressive return of my primary cancer, I’ll be fine for a while. Getting all this done before heading for Australia and New Zealand in late August with
It is true, in a deep sense, that I no longer expect to live to be old. When I say this, I don’t mean, “ZOMG, I’m going to die!!!” Rather, I used to just unthinkingly assume I’d tick along into my 70s or something then deal with the issues of ailments and eldering. Now I recognize that each day, each year, is a gift. Time is something I will never get back. My personal clock echoes very loudly in my soul.
Another truth is that even if I lived to be 112 in perfect health, I’d never accomplish everything I’d like to. This seems like a liberating insight to me. I am free from at least certain expectations. This lets me focus on what I want to do, and sometimes (such as chemotherapy) what I have to do.
So I don’t think I’m going to live to be old. I just think I’m going to live. If I get old in the bargain, well, bonus. If not, every day between now and whenever the ride ends is a good day. Somehow.
Posted: 5:02 am Wed June 23 2010 | Comments(5) |
[photos] Your Wednesday moment of zen
Your Wednesday moment of zen.
Detail of abandonded farmhouse south of Goldendale, WA along US-97. © 2006, 2010, Joseph E. Lake, Jr.
This work by Joseph E. Lake, Jr. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.
Posted: 4:49 am Wed June 23 2010 | Comments(1) |
[links] Link salad wanders through the big tent
A Softer World on independent bookstores
The Submarine Boat: 1904 — Coney Island, back in the day, and something I don’t quite get.
My vocation as a priest — Roger Ebert meditates on the Catholic church of his childhood, and his mother’s ambitions for him.
A web-based survey of North American English — In case you’re interested. I didn’t grow up in North America, so I suppose I am not eligible.
The Higgs Boson May Have ‘Five Faces’ — Mmm, quantum.
Ancient Shipwreck to Aid Ghostly Neutrino Search — Now this is just cool.
Judge who nixed drilling ban has oil investments — The Louisiana judge who struck down the Obama administration’s six-month ban on deepwater oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico has reported extensive investments in the oil and gas industry, according to financial disclosure reports. That’s what I like to see: judicial objectivity and independence in difficult cases.
?otD: Which way to the egress?
6/23/2010
Writing time yesterday: n/a
Body movement: 30 minute stationary bike ride
Hours slept: 8.0 (fiftful)
This morning’s weigh-in: 226.6
Yesterday’s chemo stress index: 6/10 (post-infusion)
Currently (re)reading: Wintersmith by Terry Pratchett
Posted: 4:47 am Wed June 23 2010 | Comments(0) |
[cancer] Coming down is hard
Coming down is hard. My body continues with the usual sleep issues and GI fail, as always after an infusion. Tears are close, and have flowed a few times, once heavily. I am wrestling the fear of additional mets into place as I make appointments for CT scan, oncology followup, colonoscopy and related followup, dental cleaning, et cetera. Plus a little growth on my ankle which probably has nothing to do with anything, but these are medically paranoid times for me.
Underneath it all my attitude is good, as always, but you couldn’t tell it from my affect today.
Posted: 5:55 am Tue June 22 2010 | Comments(3) |
[photos] Your Tuesday moment of zen
Your Tuesday moment of zen.
Statue of Mongolian hero Sükhbaatar in Ulaan Baatar. © 1990, 2010, Joseph E. Lake, Jr.
This work by Joseph E. Lake, Jr. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.
Posted: 5:50 am Tue June 22 2010 | Comments(1) |
[links] Link salad looks down across the river
Scrivener’s Error is sensible on protecting your ideas — A lot of paranoia occasionally erupts on this topic. Worth the read.
Housing, Superbugs, and Mosquitoes — MG Ellington on low-end, critical futurism, at Science In My Fiction.
Brown Dwarf Planets and Habitability — Centauri Dreams with more on one of my favorite astronomy topics, especially as this relates closely to Sunspin. I especially like the note about temperature and intelligence.
Inferior Blood — If it’s OK to reject blood from gay men, what about blacks? (Thanks to
The Argument over Aging — Can a drug extend good health and postpone the effects of aging? Anagathics don’t help me much if cancer doesn’t let me live to be old.
Islands of Four Mountains from Above — APOD with an eerie, alien-like image of four Alaskan volcanoes.
The Speedway: 1905 — New York City, with the least amount of traffic you will ever see. (Via Shorpy, of course.)
Staying Off The Bandwagon — Conservative commentator Daniel Larison on rhetoric, among other things. …outrage is no substitute for good judgment and critical thinking and that the impulse to score quick, emotionally satisfying victories at expense of unsympathetic, relatively weaker parties frequently leads to terrible abuses and errors.
ACLU chief ‘disgusted’ with Obama — Yep. We wanted better, not more of the same. If I preferred abusive security policies, runaway deficits, extraconstitutionalism, uncontrolled power and a unitary executive, I’d be a Republican. That’s what we got the last time they were in power, that’s what we tried to get rid of.
?otD: How many mountains have you climbed?
6/22/2010
Writing time yesterday: n/a
Body movement: 30 minute stationary bike ride
Hours slept: 8.0 (fiftful)
This morning’s weigh-in: 227.2
Yesterday’s chemo stress index: 7/10 (post-infusion)
Currently (re)reading: Wintersmith by Terry Pratchett
Posted: 5:47 am Tue June 22 2010 | Comments(3) |
[cancer] A day to remember, days to look forward to
Yesterday was Father’s Day, Midsummer’s Eve, and the day I came off the pump for the last time in this infusion cycle.
As for myself, I have all kinds of things to deal with. Prepping for JayCon X, getting back into the swing of being fully functional at work (I expect my first work trip in late July at this point), lining up the various medical followups, not to mention a dental appointment, getting a small problem with my foot seen to, etc.
My two biggest issues right now are, as previously discussed, the transient one of expectation management over the next few weeks, and the larger one of managing my fears and expectations of the future of my cancer.
In terms of the next few weeks, it would be very easy for me to say, “Hey, I’m off chemo, let’s go!” But I still have to cycle through the last, and toughest, round of the drugs, which means this week will be the usual exhausting nonsense, no matter what my backbrain is clamoring for. Next week will be the usual slightly less exhausting nonsense. I really don’t know what to expect from myself at JayCon, but it will definitely be a lift from my current state.
Otherwise I’m looking at the CT scan on the 16th of July and the oncology consult on the 19th as milestones, with a secondary milestone at my followup colonoscopy in early August. If chemotherapy has been successful and my body has been cooperative, I should be all clean except for a few polyps, which are to be expected based on prior experience. Polyps don’t scare me anymore, as they move slowly enough we can catch and kill them before they become tumors. I am a lot more scared of finding spots in liver, lymph or lungs. I’ve even been dreaming about it. There’s about a 40% likelihood of this in the next year, with the odds of recurrent metastasis diminishing over time. I just need to live in the now and look forward to my life, but I cannot pretend the fear away.
Always looking over my shoulder, as one of you very kind folks said in comments.
Meanwhile, the day awaits me, beckoning.
Posted: 5:10 am Mon June 21 2010 | Comments(3) |
[photos] Your Monday moment of zen
Your Monday moment of zen.
View eastward from abanonded farmhouse south of Goldendale, WA along US-97. © 2006, 2010, Joseph E. Lake, Jr.
This work by Joseph E. Lake, Jr. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.
Posted: 4:56 am Mon June 21 2010 | Comments(0) |