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[cancer] Heading back under the knife

Tomorrow is my liver resectioning surgery date. Third major surgery in three years, all to address primary colon cancer and subsequent metastases of same. I am not sure if I’ll have a chance to blog tomorrow morning, and I certainly won’t be blogging for a while after surgery, so y’all play nice while I’m gone. calendula_witch will have status updates on her blog, and possibly here as well. For those in Portland, I’ll be at OHSU, probably through Monday, and generally welcome visitors when I’m stuck in the hospital.

Our antipodeal vacation did a wondrous job of keeping my mind off this, but it pretty much all came crashing back yesterday. Had a lovely dinner last night with family and friends. Sadly, that seems to be an annual tradition. Managed something of a slow-motion meltdown afterwards when I was alone with calendula_witch. She was quite the loving pillar of support.

The Fear sucks.

As I’ve mentioned previously, I am quite overwhelmed by the experience of major surgery. I know just enough about anaesthesia to very, very afraid of it. I hate the epidural with a passion though I recognize its effectiveness. The discomforts of recovery, most especially including the catheter, distress me. All the lost time leaves a strange lacuna in my memory, both the black hole of anaesthesia and the strange dream state of post-operative medication.

All of which is to say, I’ve weathered tougher surgeries than tomorrow’s, and I’ll pass through tomorrow’s just fine. Whatever I think of the toll it takes. The hardest part will be waiting for the pathology report. That’s what will confirm the commitment to another six-month round of chemo. Or, slightly possibly, not.

So a lot at stake today. We’ll be at the hospital most of this afternoon doing pre-op consultations of various sorts. I’ll try to do a summary blog report tonight of whatever there is to be reported. After that, le deluge.

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