Jay Lake: Writer

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[Cancer]

[cancer] Looking back and forward

There’s obviously a lot of transition going in my head and heart right now. In my life as a whole, I suppose.

Physically, I feel better right now than I have since right before the lung surgery in November, 2009. After spending months waking up every day feeling, at best, like I just got over a dreadful flu the day before (and those were the good days), I now wake up feeling like I partied too late the night before. Not hung over, just worn. The dissolving stitches itch, the scars kick up sometimes, fatigue still stalks me but without overwhelming. Honestly, I feel so damned good, and it gets better almost every day.

Emotionally and mentally, this has been quite a week, as noted. I lost a few days, so won’t be starting Kalimpura until this weekend or early next week. Not a crisis, but I am a bit disappointed in myself. calendula_witch and I are doing an extraordinary amount of talking right now by way of relationship maintenance and post-chemo re-entry into the fullness of my personal life. It’s not pretty, but it’s loving.

I would not have gotten here today without a hell of a lot of love from a lot of people. calendula_witch herself, first and foremost, of course. shelly_rae, who poured an enormous amount of love and affection and attention into me in my most desperate hours of need. My mom (tillyjane), dad and step-mom. the_child and her mother. My friends and loved ones in Portland and all around the world. You, reading here today.

Thank you, all of you. You helped me hang in long enough to do what I’m doing right now: get my life back.

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