[child] A hilarious and decidedly NSFW parent-child conversation

Saturday The Child and I had a hilarious and decidedly NSFW conversation, which she has given me permission to blog.

The Child: “Here, Dad, you’ll like this video.”
Dad: “Okay.” :: stands with her at her laptop ::

Dad: :: horrified silence ::
The Child: :: giggling ::
Dad: “Um, do you know what ‘jizz’ means?”
The Child: “Sure. It means number one. This guy peed in his pants.”
Dad: “Um, no.”
The Child: “Number two?”
Dad: :: struggles to keep straight face :: “Um, no.”
The Child: :: confused :: “What does it mean?”
Dad: :: deep breath :: “When a man has sex, and the sperm comes out of the tip of his penis, one word for that is ‘jizz’. It means orgasm. The song is making fun of men who are bad at sex.”
The Child: :: howls of laughter :: “Oh my god. [name redacted] has been singing that song at school all week. She’s the one who showed me the video.”
Dad: “You might want to call her and let her know. She might want to stop singing it. Especially before her parents hear her.”
The Child: “No wonder the boys thought it was so funny when we were singing that backstage before the concert.”
Dad: :: horrified all over again :: “Now you know what they were laughing at.”
The Child: “I think I’m going to leave [name redacted] alone for a day or two.” :: evil laugh ::
Dad: “Um, no. Really, you need to call her now.”
The Child: :: picks up phone ::
The Child: “Hi, [name redacted]. Um, you know that song we’ve been singing?”
[name redacted]: :: short answer I can’t hear ::
The Child: “Well, I showed it to my dad. Guess what ‘jizz’ means?”
[name redacted]: :: short answer I can’t hear ::
The Child: “No, not number one.”
[name redacted]: :: short answer I can’t hear ::
The Child: “Not number two, either.”
[name redacted]: :: long answer I can’t hear ::
The Child: :: glances at me, realizes she’s having this conversation in front of her Dad :: “It’s when a boy’s sperm comes out. The song is making fun of men who are bad at sex.”
[name redacted]: :: extremely long answer I can’t hear ::
The Child: “Yeah, we’d better not sing it anymore.” :: hangs up ::
Dad: :: after long awkward silence :: “So, um, do we need to talk about how sex works?”
The Child: “No, Dad, I got it covered.”
Dad: :: chickens out ::

We were laughing at each other for a good twenty minutes afterwards.

9 thoughts on “[child] A hilarious and decidedly NSFW parent-child conversation

  1. Alex J. Kane says:

    LOL! That was hilarious.

    I’ve watched that video way too many times; it’s as catchy as it is funny. Gotta hand it to the current SNL guys.

  2. M. Dominic says:

    greatest conversation EVER!

  3. Silty says:

    *giggles* Too funny!

  4. Jan says:

    Umm wasn’t that premature jack (way back when.

    Thanks for sharing!

  5. Sylvia says:

    Oh you poor man! That was really well handled but I have to admit, I’m glad now that I don’t have girls. 🙂

  6. Cora says:

    I feel for you. And it’s great that you can have these conversations with your daughter.

    Guess how a teacher feels if they hear kids singing some wildly inappropriate song with more or less risqué lyrics. I always wonder, “Do they even know what that song means? Should I tell them?”

    It’s nothing new, though. My poor parents had to explain the concepts of phone sex and peep shows to me at the tender age of eleven, because both were mentioned in German pop songs at the time. Years later, IO had to explain the lyrics of Frank Zappa’s Bobby Brown to them.

  7. That is awesome. And very, very blue state.

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