Jay Lake: Writer

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[Cancer]

[cancer] Settling into a different mind

Norwescon weekend was both rewarding and difficult for me. While I was there, I received an outpouring of love and support from both dear friends and total strangers. But I also found myself uncharacteristically withdrawn, overwhelmed, fatigued. I can already see my healthy mindset melting away and my patient mindset asserting itself in the fog of medical stress.

The habits of illness are so close to the surface for me these days.

Not much is going to happen here until Wednesday’s appointment with the liver surgeon, and the first real checkpoint is the port reimplantation on May 10th or 11th. My cancer isn’t advanced enough for me to be experiencing direct symptoms. All of this is stuff inside my head and heart.

Also, re-entering the cancer space is reigniting my difficult emotions around the departure of [info]calendula_witch from my life. She made a different choice than I would have preferred, as is very much her privilege. I’ve been doing a good job of moving on, but I can already tell that my repeated journey through chemotherapy and surgery will be triggering powerful memories, regrets and far more negative feelings. I’m taking this next journey through hell without a love of the heart close to hand, without a life partner.

Cancer is a lonely house in which to dwell even when one is bonded. I am not looking forward to finding out how much more lonely it will be without her.

At least she’s free of it this time.

So much churn in my head and heart, and I am only at the beginning of another miserably difficult year-long pasage. I so very badly do not want to do this again.

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