[cancer] Settling into a different mind

Norwescon weekend was both rewarding and difficult for me. While I was there, I received an outpouring of love and support from both dear friends and total strangers. But I also found myself uncharacteristically withdrawn, overwhelmed, fatigued. I can already see my healthy mindset melting away and my patient mindset asserting itself in the fog of medical stress.

The habits of illness are so close to the surface for me these days.

Not much is going to happen here until Wednesday’s appointment with the liver surgeon, and the first real checkpoint is the port reimplantation on May 10th or 11th. My cancer isn’t advanced enough for me to be experiencing direct symptoms. All of this is stuff inside my head and heart.

Also, re-entering the cancer space is reigniting my difficult emotions around the departure of [info]calendula_witch from my life. She made a different choice than I would have preferred, as is very much her privilege. I’ve been doing a good job of moving on, but I can already tell that my repeated journey through chemotherapy and surgery will be triggering powerful memories, regrets and far more negative feelings. I’m taking this next journey through hell without a love of the heart close to hand, without a life partner.

Cancer is a lonely house in which to dwell even when one is bonded. I am not looking forward to finding out how much more lonely it will be without her.

At least she’s free of it this time.

So much churn in my head and heart, and I am only at the beginning of another miserably difficult year-long pasage. I so very badly do not want to do this again.

7 thoughts on “[cancer] Settling into a different mind

  1. Phil says:

    Heck, so much courage amidst so much sadness.

    I have followed you here for just over 2 years now and i don’t get where the inner strength to battle all this life chaos comes from – but you do it.

    Peace and love from a complete stranger who finds you a total inspiration for the parts of our lives that invisibly cross.

  2. I love you, Jay, and I think you are amazing.

    You already know that — I’ just thought I’d remind you. xox

  3. Sherry says:

    As another complete stranger to you I have to echo Phil’s words. Your ability to continue writing (wonderfully) despite your battles inspires me to work harder through infinitely more mundane tribulations. Thank you for sharing your insights and thoughts, and please know that for every supportive person you know personally, there are many others you don’t know who are out here quietly thinking of you and wishing you well and healthy again.

  4. Alexis says:

    I’m so sorry Jay!

  5. John says:

    Jay, I’m saddened by your situation, inspired by your fortitude and outlook and amazed by your perseverance. Hang in there, buddy, and know that people do care.

  6. Jay, I’m out here too, beaming good juju your way. Sorry this crap has to twist its way back into your life, but I’m rooting for you and will continue to do so. Keep fighting and keep writing!

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