[Cancer]
[cancer] Off to the infusion center
In about two hours I’m off to the infusion center for my first chemotherapy session of this course. It will work a lot like last time.
I’ll arrive a little early to have my chest port accessed and blood work done. Then I’ll see the oncologist or oncology nurse-practitioner at 9 am. Then they’ll pull together the drug suite — there’s something like a dozen medications involved. I’ll be in the chair by 10 or 10:30. The primary infusion process will take about four or five hours, I think. They’ll hook me up to the pump, which I’ll go home with and wear for 48 hours. Sometime Sunday afternoon the pump will run dry, I’ll be unhooked, that will be about it.
Last time I did the chemo bottle ritual, but I simply have not been able to summon the motivation to develop a similar ritual this time. The social and emotional landscape of my life is very different on this trip through chemotherapy, and that practice seems like it belonged to another, happier person who isn’t me any more.
I’m also a lot less frightened this time. Which is not to say I don’t have moments of fear and panic, but the Fear has been almost entirely absent. Mostly I’m pissed off. That, and feeling trepidatious.
The human mind is an amazing thing. That something even this horrific can come to feel routine is… bizarre.
Anyway, I’m not sure how much blogging I’ll be doing over the next few days. I may be quite verbose or I may be absent. Y’all will know where I am.
How did my life come to this?
Posted: 6:02 am Fri May 13 2011 |
Where am I?
You are reading the blog of Jay Lake, speculative fiction writer and author of hundreds of short stories, many novels, and winner of the John W. Campbell Award.
Learn more here.
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Sydney
May 13th, 2011 at 7:53 amThinking of you today.
Jan
May 13th, 2011 at 8:27 amIt’s not easy going through this again, that’s for sure, but it also brings up the memories of your lost love. She was so apart of it last time. Makes it twice as difficult to deal with.
My heart goes out to you and sending you positive energy.
(((HUGS)) Jay.
Jan
Cliff Winnig
May 13th, 2011 at 11:03 amYep, this time is different in many ways, but one thing is the same: you are much-loved. I’m just sayin’.
You’re in my thoughts, bro.
Shanna Germain
May 13th, 2011 at 2:49 pmIn my thoughts too. I’d say in my dreams, but I know you’d take that the worst… best… way possible
Jay
May 14th, 2011 at 6:02 pmOh, the best, believe me…
Cora
May 13th, 2011 at 5:21 pmHang in there! Lots of people all over the world are thinking of you today.