[Cancer]
[cancer] And the humiliation continues (whinge alert)
Last night I went to sleep around 8:45. Woke up around 10:30 with a series of pretty violent lower GI events that kept me out of bed for about 30 minutes. Woke up around 1:30 am ditto. And never could go back to sleep.
Under cut for medical and digestive TMI, and, frankly, whingeing…
That marks four nights in a row that the GI has interrupted my sleep pretty consistently. And this is with me doubling up on the Lomatil per instructions from my clinic. I’m trying to shake this ragtail edge of a cold, which is pretty damned hard to do when you can’t sleep or take nutrition. (I don’t think I got 1,000 calories yesterday — this experience is producing a pretty deep food aversion.) I’m trying to sleep, just for the sake of my overall health, and the chemotherapy session I’m suppose to start on tomorrow. I can’t even take Lorazepam to help me sleep, because the GI events are so abrupt that I’d wind up waking up in a pool of my own shit. As it is, I’ve had some version of that problem three times in the last three days, even when fully conscious and prepared for a 10-second bathroom sprint at any moment. I’m so worn this morning that I skipped exercising, which I never do without a damned good reason.
Thanks to the bowel control issues, I’m going to have to pick up some pads today and start wearing them. This feels like a profound abrogation of both my dignity and my adulthood. I debated even mentioning it here, but my policy on narrating my cancer experiences is to be as honest as possible. Being honest about the difficult stuff is where the most work needs to be done.
I’ve never in my life had this problem. I mean, the odd blowout two or three times over the years due to a critical misjudgment, or the classic gambled-and-lost fart, but not consistently. Not every day for three days. I made it through colon surgery without having to wear diapers.
I hate this disease. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate what it does to me, how it makes me feel emotionally, how it tears down the people around me, how it poisons my daughter’s childhood, how it impairs my writing career. But this business with the pads? This is an exquisite, deeply personal humiliation that somehow feels worse than all the others.
Posted: 6:44 am Thu November 10 2011 |
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Puss in Boots
November 10th, 2011 at 7:24 amI love you, and I’m sorry your body is at war. Eventually you’ll look back on this and shudder, but you’ll hold everything in even if you do it really violently.
And you’ll say, “Man, I’m glad Sän didn’t send me a box of pads with cartoons and stupid jokes all over them the way he gave the Scholes family all those diapers…” (Unless you want that, of course. And then I’m ON it.)
Sally
November 10th, 2011 at 7:24 amIt’s incredibly deeply unfair. You have good reason for complaint. I hope this is quickly solved and you never have to go through diaper wearing or the shitty episodes (grin for the appropriateness of the term) again. The good thing is it is temporary. Hugs.
Harald Striepe
November 10th, 2011 at 9:51 amOk, dude, focus!
CT scan clear, the last set of pushes! Just wear them diapers.Think of revisiting childhood. Just grin and bear it.
It’s temporary! It’s no ostomy…
Now that’s an uncomfortable thought! I remember waking from surgery, and before being fully awake, feeling for it to make sure, I did not have THAT!
Yeah, it all sucks. But it sure beats dying.
stevie
November 10th, 2011 at 1:21 pmJay
You need calories and you need water; try drinking lots of sugar water. This is not the time to worry about balanced nutrition, but you could mix honey with the water instead of sugar if your loved ones think it sounds healthier.
Please bear in mind that as far as you are concerned there is no such thing as an empty calorie.
And, just to cheer you up, no-one outside the US knows what diapers are…
JD Rhoades
November 10th, 2011 at 2:10 pmJay, I am really sorry you’re going through this. It sucks, big time.
But I have to say, “classic gambled-and-lost fart” made me laugh.
Cora
November 10th, 2011 at 7:24 pmThat sounds awful and I’m sorry you’re going through this. But at least your CT scan was clean, so this is only temporary.
Alexis
November 11th, 2011 at 4:43 pmI am so sorry Jay. Cancer is one long horrible lesson in humility and human frailty. I wish it could be different. i wish we could all be as invincible as we all feel at 16. You are always in my thoughts. (And if I prayed, you would be in my prayers too!)