Last night, I went with Team E— to see Prometheus [ imdb ].
That was bad.
I don’t mean interesting or funny bad like “Eye of Argon” or Attack of the Killer Tomatoes [ imdb ]. I mean intellectually offensive and fatuously stupid bad. Like Star Wars Episode I [ imdb ] bad, except without the benefit of Lucas’ nuanced character development and sly, trenchant wit.
Prometheus made me want to ask if anyone involved in this movie had ever actually seen, you know, a movie. Or read a book. Or possibly even once spoken to someone who remembered having done so at some point in their lives. Or, you know, science. Plot logic. Character development.
Trust me on this one: slam your hand in the kitchen drawer. It will feel better in the end, and your trip to the E.R. will be more interesting and entertaining than this movie was.
I’m pretty sure the slogan around the Prometheus production crew was “Millions for special effects, not one cent for story.” Which, admittedly, has been a big trend in movies these past few decades. But how could the people involved not know what an utter, steaming pile of dog crap they were making? Did anyone have control of this project? Prometheus was allegedly directed by some guy with the same name as the director of Bladerunner [ imdb ]. Ridley Scott should sue that dude for defamation of character.
Either that, or the entire film was some gigantic post-modern joke that I missed completely. Basically, a $120 million episode of Candid Camera with America’s cinema audiences as the victims. (I’m actually kind of hoping for this interpretation to turn out to be true.)
I suppose my real reaction to this movie was to want to write an entirely new script to dub over the gorgeous filmmaking with a story that actually makes some sense. If you must watch it, do so with the sound turned off and invent your own dialog. Everyone in the theater will thank you.
What did you think of Prometheus?