[funny] Tell me a joke

What’s your favorite joke? Leave it in comments.

Sometime next week, I’ll pick a few I like and we’ll run a poll, with books and stuff for the winning jokes.

Make me laugh, people! Make me laugh!

This probably doesn’t need to be said, but though I have a very broad sense of humor, and enjoy jokes about sex, religion or politics, I will absolutely draw the line at racial “humor”, and will moderate comments if needed.

23 thoughts on “[funny] Tell me a joke

  1. Jay says:

    “Knock, knock.”
    “Who’s there?”
    “Who.”
    “To who?”
    “To whom, my friend. It’s to whom?”

  2. A Frenchmen walks into a bar with a parrot on his beret. The bartender points to the parrot and says, “Hey, that’s kinda need. Where did you get him?” And the parrot says, “I got him in France, they got millions of them there.”

    1. “That’s kinda neat” (sigh, one of these days my fingers will type what my brain thinks)

  3. Michael says:

    Larry decided that he wanted to be a chicken farmer, so he went down to his buddy Frank’s bank to get a loan and bought 10000 chickens.
    About a month later, Larry walks into Frank’s office at the bank and says, “Frank, I got bad news…All of my chickens died. I need another loan to get back up and running.” Because they’re friends and Frank’s bank has poor loan controls, they loaned Larry enough money to replenish his chicken supply.
    A couple of weeks later, Frank runs into Larry at the lunch counter at Woolworth’s. “Hey Larry, how’s your chicken farm doing?”
    Larry looked at Frank despondently and said, “I just can’t figure it out…either I’m planting them too deep or not giving them enough water.”

    1. UninvitedJokeDoctor says:

      That’d be funnier if you reversed the last line (“..either I’m not giving them enough water or I’m just planting them too deep.”)

  4. Michael says:

    An Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Scientologist were driving to a conference on religious tolerance in Utah. They were lost on a back road when their car broke down. Fortunately, they saw a farm house not too far away and walked to it.
    The farmer, hearing their explanation of their situation said, “Well, certainly, I can put you up for the night. However, I only have to guest bedrooms in the house. I’m afraid one of you will have to sleep in the tack room in the barn.”
    They drew straws, and the Hindu lost, so he went to the tack room. Moments later, he was knocking on the door. “I’m sorry gentlemen, but as a Hindu, I hold cows as sacred animals. There is a cow in the barn and I cannot sully his environment with my presence as it would cause me to violate my religion.”
    So, the Rabbi and the Scientologist flipped a coin, and the Rabbi lost and went to the barn. Moments later, the Rabbi knocked on the door. “I’m sorry friend, but Judaism holds pigs to be unclean animals and there is a pig in the barn. I’m afraid I cannot sleep in the barn with the pig without violating my religious beliefs.”
    So the Scientologist went to the barn. Moments later, a cow, a pig, and an alien knocked on the door.

  5. David says:

    Two peanuts walk into a bar….

    One was assaulted.

  6. Anthony says:

    Which Knight of King Arthur’s court designed the Round Table?

    Sir Cumference, of course.

  7. MLR says:

    My brain does not remember jokes. The few times I do remember, it’s clear I can’t tell them. Just for laughs, though, here is Billy Connolly with one of my favorites:

    Billy Connolly – On a plane to Australia

    (Not looking to be included in the poll or to win prizes, thanks)

  8. ChrisB says:

    I used to bug my friends with bad jokes and puns all the time. Someone suggested that I enter some into my local library’s joke competition (possibly because they had a grudge against one of the judges). To make a (very, very) long story short, I submitted ten real groaners, thinking that at least one would win a prize, but no pun in ten did.

    Too bad.

  9. ChrisB says:

    PS: normally, I’d include the “submitted” puns when telling that joke. You’re very welcome.

  10. pwstrain says:

    Two brothers, eight and nine, are failing to fall asleep. They have just discovered the glorious world of cursing from an older friend.
    Older brother: “You know what I’m going to do? Tomorrow I’m gonna cuss.”
    Younger Brother:”You better not.”
    Older:”It’s gonna be so cool. I’m gonna say Goddamn and shit and fuck. It’ll be sweet.”
    The next morning, the boys make their way to the kitchen where Mom asks them what they want for breakfast.
    Older brother: “Give me some of those Goddamn Cheerios.”
    Mother: “What!?”
    Older brother:”I said give me some of those fucking Cheerios in a damn bowl!”
    Mom picks up the nearest object at hand, a spatula, and wails on Older Brother, beating him back to the bedroom where he is banished for the day.
    Mom finally comes back to the kitchen, out of breath.
    Mom: “Well, what do you want for breakfast?”
    Younger Brother:”I don’t know, but it sure in the hell ain’t gonna be any of those Goddamn Cheerios!”

  11. pwstrain says:

    Ok one more:

    “Knock Knock”
    “Who’s there?”
    “Owls”
    “Owls who?”
    “Yes they do”.

  12. Kevin Atherton says:

    What does a roll of toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?

    They both circle uranus searching for Klingons.

  13. Dave says:

    Q: What’s worse than biting in an apple and finding a worm?
    A: The holocaust

    Or

    A baby seal walked into a club…

    Ok, so my taste in jokes might be a little rough. Hope you smiled.

  14. JTS says:

    What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?

    Elephant Grape Sinθ

    What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?

    You can’t. A mountain climber is a scaler.

  15. LAW AS IT SHOULD BE

    One evening after attending a theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed young lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, “I’d give fifty bucks to spend the night with that woman.”

    To their surprise, the young lady overheard their remarks, and turning around she said, “I’ll just take you up on that.” She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice. So after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning, the man presented her with twenty five dollars. As he prepared to leave she demanded the rest of the money stating “If you don’t give me the money I’ll sue you for it.” He laughed saying “I’d like to see you get it on these grounds.”

    The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, “She can possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how the case is presented.”

    After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s lawyer addressed the court as follows: “Your honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property. A garden spot surrounded by profuse shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of fifty dollars. The defendant took possession of the property and used it vigorously for the purpose for which it was rented. But, upon evacuating the premises, he paid only twenty five dollars, or half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted property and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.”

    The defendant’s lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he originally planned to present it.

    “Your honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that she did rent the property for a time, and that a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor being done by him personally. We claim that these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and therefore, ask that the judgment not be granted.”

    The young lady’s lawyer came back as follows: “Your honor, client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to small children. We therefore, ask that the judgment be granted.”

    AND SHE GOT IT ! ! !

  16. Trey says:

    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. two men and a woman.
    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!”
    The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
    Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks”, she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

  17. Q: What’s brown and sticky?
    A: A stick!

    (Yes. Yes, that really is my very favorite joke. I know, I know.)

  18. Ian Osmond says:

    Just today, I heard a joke which I found intensely offensive and I couldn’t help laughing. I won’t call it my favorite joke, but I’ll put it down here.

    Three guys are sitting in a pub, and the first one says, “This is a good pub. But I know a better one — over at Andy’s, you buy your first drink, you buy your second drink, and Andy buys your third. Like that all night — two from you, and he buys the third.”
    Second guy says, “That’s pretty good, but I know a better one than that. At Quincy’s, you buy your first, Quincy buys the second, and like that. You only pay for half your drinks.”
    Third guy says, “Not bad, not bad — but O’Malley’s is even better than that. There, they buy your first drink, they buy your second drink, they buy your third drink, and then they take you into a room in the back and get you laid!”
    The other two guys are really impressed, and one says, “Seriously? This happened to you?”
    “Naw, I never been there, but it happened to my sister.”

    Okay, let me just make my apology RIGHT HERE for promulgating rape culture. But, I’m ashamed to say, it made me laugh.

  19. ChrisB says:

    I was informed that I absolutely had to include this one (from the ten mentioned above):

    No matter how hard you push the envelope. .. it’s still stationary.

  20. Jaws says:

    There are only three lawyer jokes.

    The rest are all true.

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