[cancer] Field notes from Cancerland, post-New Zealand edition
I had a chest x-ray yesterday, to make sure my deep chest cold from New Zealand hasn’t turned into pneumonia. Everything’s clean. I had two oncology appointments this coming Monday, but one got postponed. Given that I continue to tolerate the Regorafenib adequately, we’re kind of in a holding pattern until the mid-September scan. So I’m not too exercised about any of this. I am currently in the off week, but restart the drug next Wednesday (I think, the International Date Line has messed up my calculations a bit). So, yeah, side effects bingo and the eternal GI merry-go-round continue as is currently normal. Not to mention some very annoying, very slowly healing skin problems.
My Overall State
Not to put too fine a point on it, but I feel like hammered hell. This is a combination of cancer and its treatments, the aforementioned deep chest cold, jet lag, trip exhaustion, and for all I know, the phase of the moon. Almost everything that happens to me these days is so multi-factorial that it all becomes something of a blur. All I know is I’ve been home three days and I still can’t think in a straight line. Which is too bad because I have a giant backlog of bills, legal paperwork, financial paperwork, email and Ghu knows what else glowering at me from my desk and my inbox.
The Progress of Disability is Not Strained
I’m still not free to discuss it in detail here online, but there’s significant continuing progress in my various disability claims. As I have commented before, I don’t want to prejudice those processes, so I won’t discuss them until things are well settled. Suffice to say the recent news has been fairly good. As with every step of this journey, each answer spawns a hydra of new questions.
My brother is in town visiting from the East Coast. This is a fairly rare event. I’ll see quite a bit of him over the next few days, though I probably need to stay home and hide today, given my ongoing wretchedness.
There’s quite a roster of friends coming to visit over the next couple of months. Somewhat hilariously, my guest room calendar is almost fully booked through mid-October. People trying to see me while I still have enough of my mental and emotional stuff together for it to be fun.
World Fantasy in Brighton
If my September scan is positive (for those values of “positive” which accrue to me these days), Lisa Costello and I are considering burning some more Frequent Flyer miles to come to the UK for World Fantasy. Even if all we actually attend is Barcon. If I do that, I’ll try to stay on a bit and visit with my many friends Over There.
My Fundamental Mental and Emotional State
Oh my God, am I tired of treatment. I am tired of cancer. I am tired of feeling miserable almost every day. I am tired of the endless shits, punctuated by occasional bouts of constipation. I am tired of fatigue. I am tired of feeling, and acting, stupid due to cognitive impairments. I am tired of being overslept. I am tired of being badly slept. I am tired of the many aches. I am tired of the terrible state of my feet. I am tried of the sensitive state of my hands. I am tired of being toxic to my friends and lovers. I am tired of being tired.
But I am not yet tired of life.
Posted: 5:54 am Sat August 17 2013 |