[cancer|personal] Last night I shit my bed

Yup. What it says on the post title.

The details aren’t important. Suffice to say that at this point in my Regorafenib cycle, my lower GI is in a state of profound disruption. I awoke from sleep moments too late for an urgent demand from my colon. Everything was eventually cleaned and dealt with, but I felt disgusting and filthy, and experienced a very depressing loss of my sense of agency and self control.

This is what cancer does to you. This is what years of chemotherapy does to you. This is what powerful drugs do to you. They strip away your basic control of your body, and reduce you to an infantile helplessness.

I sometimes complain about feeling broken, about feeling compromised and foolish and unlovable. I’m here to tell you, scrubbing shit out of the sheets at 2:30 am is about as unlovable and unsexy thing as a human being can do.

So, yeah. There’s a lot of love, laughter and fun in my life just lately. But there’s a lot of fear, distress, pain and just plain nastiness as well.

18 thoughts on “[cancer|personal] Last night I shit my bed

  1. Marianne says:

    Awesome, this I can sort of relate to – after a bout of E-Coli poisoning last spring. I too was apalled by my own self but it makes you, or me, no less lovable.

  2. Ann says:

    I have end-stage cancer as well, and had a horrible case of c-diff – almost lost my colon. If you’ve been in a hospital or had antibiotics any time in the past two months, make sure you get yourself checked for that. It can go bad quickly – I ended up with sepsis.

    (I’d been out of the hospital for months and still got the case, stuff had been stewing in my colon for a long time, probably hidden by pain meds. If it gets worse and you suspect something else going wrong, then get it checked and don’t let them push you off.)

    I do think you just described my worst experience as a cancer patient though. The loss of control can be devastating to your sense of self.

  3. i am sorry. how awful. in the book “Tuesdays With Morrie”
    Morrie spoke about such things, he said something to the effect that.
    it is the circle that brings us back to babyhood. and that the act of changing someones diapers or in this case cleaning up shitty sheets (that would be a great punk rock band name) is an act of love. like a mother just does it. yeah its gross and it smells and who the fuck wants to do it anyway? but you do it. because it needs to be done and you love that person,
    it is an act of love.
    so acknowledge
    this is fucked up.
    what a shitty job (har)
    and say thank you
    and i love you.
    but allow the love to happen.
    and thanks for sharing, when you share this. you are loving us, Did you know that?.
    and when we read it, we are loving you.
    you are remarkable.
    xoxo
    erik

    1. Jay says:

      Thank you. 😉

  4. Jodie Bass says:

    Brother, I’ve done this. For different reasons, of course. I had gastric bypass a decade ago and it screws up your system pretty good. I’m so very sorry about your discomfort and distress but you’ll be laughing about it, soon enough. I promise.

  5. Ruthie says:

    My 13 year old dog peed on me in bed. I went out and bought one of those mattress protectors. Some are pricey but worth it. I spent the first winter changing a lot of sheets and switching out mattress covers until I found out from my vet that she could take a pill for incontinence. My new rescue came to live with us while my old dog was incontinent. Irish Setters aren’t known for their smarts so he thought he was supposed to pee on the bed in his sleep. Fortunately he stopped emulating my old dog. If you love someone it doesn’t matter if they mess the bed. *hugs* (((Jay)))

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