Jay Lake: Writer

Contact Me Home
>

[child|funny] Conversations with my daughter

[info]the_child: “When you were a little kid, did you look up perverted things on the computer?”
[info]jaylake: “We didn’t have computers back then. I had to look up perverted things in books.”
[info]the_child: “Like butt?”

And then:

[info]the_child: “Do you know pickup lines?”
[info]jaylake: “Uh, yes.”
[info]the_child: “Have you ever used a pickup line on a girl?”
[info]jaylake: “No, not really.” :: laughs :: “Where did you learn about pickup lines?”
[info]the_child: “[teacherNameRedacted]. [friendNameRedacted] brought it up, and he had to explain it. You know, ‘You look like a parking ticket, because you have FINE written all over you.'”
[info]jaylake: :: laughs again ::
[info]the_child: “Why is that funny? I don’t get it.”

Ah, parenthood.

Tags: ,

[funny] Lawrence Durrell on Serbian railroad crews

Reading after my nap on the first leg of my flight home, this made me laugh out loud:

“The engine was a very old one. It had been abandoned before the war by an American film company, and the Yugoslavs had tied it together with wire. Its gaping furnace, which was white hot, was being passionately fed by some very hairy men in cloth caps who looked like Dostoevsky’s publishers.”

— “The Ghost Train” by Lawrence Durrell, from Esprit de Corps, 1958

Tags: ,

[funny] In which my mellow is harshed

with a funny from yesterday’s dinner for . She left off the best part, though. After everybody got done laughing at ‘s comment about Atlas Shrugged and The Princess Bride*, the following exchange ensued.

: When I finally got you to watch The Princess Bride, half the lines in the movie were familiar to you.
: Yes. I used to think you were funny.

Shut me down cold.


* Dagny Taggart/Princess Buttercup slash, anyone?

Tags: , , ,

[cancer|funny] Scenes from an infusion center

Setting: The chemo nurse has just finished tying the new bag of medicine, wearing her splash guard and biohazard containment gear. I am attempting to exit the chair.

: “Can you get the, uh, uh…” :: inarticulate mumbling ::
: “Use your words.”
: :: burps loudly ::

General laughter ensues.

Tags: , , ,

[cancer|funny] Things my addled brain forgot in the day’s wrap up

gave me a very cute chemo crab toy, which baffled my parents.

The PA was confused by the relationship between me, and . He was even more confused by my father’s otherwise unexplained appearance with my two moms. NB: We are not Mormon.

found my missing keys!!! Yay!!!

‘s bon mot of the day: “Important safety tip. Don’t try to be funny on chemo. It makes other people nauseated.”

My bon mot of the day: “Oh. Now I have le infuser chemotherapie avec fromage.”

‘s bon mot of the day: “Do you need a spoon?”

Thank you, thank you we’ll be here all weekend.

Tags: , , , ,

[funny] Wisdom of the Niece

, a/k/a my sister, reports of her daughter, almost six years of age:

Two nights ago we got on the subject of things we are thankful for and she told me, “I’m thankful for the earth and all the planets. And I’m thankful for the solar system. But I’m not thankful for wormholes. They take you places and you can’t get back.”

Last night we got into a conversation about periods, she wondered about the blood and why it happened, so yes we did end up talking about ovaries and the uterus and how a woman’s body prepares for a baby and when it does not get pregnant we have a menstrual cycle. She noted that she didn’t have a period and we talked about how her body was still young and not ready to have a baby, and I told her was like those parts in her were still brand new and hadn’t been opened yet.

Then we talked about how even though your body thinks its ready in its teens, when most girls get their period for the first time, your mind still isn’t ready until years later. She talked some more about her body was still too young and I said yes, her parts were still in hibernation. She said, “No Mom, my ovaries aren’t hibernating. They are pointing at my stomach and my liver and laughing and saying, ha ha, you have to work and I don’t!”

Tags: , , ,

[funny] Wisdom of the Niece, anent reading

The Niece, informing her mom this morning that now that she is in Kindergarten, she’s ready to read and this is how it works:

“I have a house in my head and all the people in my family who have died are there and in the cubinet (sic) they have a magic book that is the same as whatever book I am reading and when I need a work or a number, they take it and they put it on a boat and it floats down my bloodstream to my mouth and then I know what it is!”

Tags: ,

[funny] The wisdom of calendula_witch

: “All men are fourteen-year-old boys at heart.”
: “Not all men, just the interesting ones.”

Tags: , ,

[funny] What’s on your t-shirt?

Yesterday afternoon, I said on my Twitter and Facebook feeds:

We should all have snappy labels on our shirts – “Doesn’t play well with others”, “Requires external validation”, etc. What’s yours?

The responses have been hilarious. As of about 5:40 am Pacific Friday…

From Twitter:

Junglemonkey: “Not stuck up, just introverted.”
MKKare: “Do I look like a fucking people person?”
NewroticGirl: “Requires external validation.”
aynjelfyre: “Cap may forcefully eject.”
gewhiz: “Poor impulse control.”
jenniferbrozek: “Just wants to be loved, adored and obeyed.”
josephhaines: “Feed. Make fat. If his mouth is full, he can’t rant.”
lizargall: “Dangerous when bored.”
lizargall: “Likes to nap in sunshine.”
nethspace: “Has already forgotten your name.”
tinytall: “Requires time signals.”

From Facebook:

Laura Anne Gilman: “Assume nothing.”
Jo Ellen Mauer: “The wheel is spinning but the hamster’s missing.”
Lillian Csernica: “Parental discretion advised.”
Dawn Taylor: “I am on fire and have dangerous cargo: keep well clear of me.” (with appropriate marine signal flags)
Daniel Lei: “Requires Some Assembly.”
Astrid Bear: “Eats cookie dough.”
Katherine Sanger: “I Run With Scissors.”
Jimmy Simpson: “I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?”
Karen Meschke: “Questions authority.”
Stina Leich: “I make up stuff.”
Jayme Lynn Blaschke: “Open other end.”
Luke McGuff: “Do not play on or around.”
Chris Beckett: “You say tomato, I say f*** you.”
Jim Crider: “I reject your reality and substitute my own.”
Selina Phanara: “Runs with scissors.”
Steve Schend: “I write lies for a living. No, I’m not a political speech writer.”
Jude-Marie Green: “Surf Naked.”
Tina Jens: “Flaming Liberal & Damn Proud of it!”
John Burridge: “Quomodo te amare possum nisi facere vis quae praecepi?” [How can I love you if you won’t do what I say?]
John Burridge: “But enough about me; what do _you_ think of my shirt?”
Karen Grant: “Quando omni flunkus moritati.” [When in doubt, play dead.]
Joseph Paul Haines: “Feed. Make fat. If his mouth is full, he can’t rant.”
Elissa Malcohn: “I have multiple personalities and none of them likes you.”
Bob Kruger: “Maybe if this shirt is clever enough, someone will finally love me.”
Rochelle Inselman Smith: “Poor impulse control.”
Anthony D’Atri: “Another dissatisfied customer.”
Jonathan Vos Post: “In the future, ALL human knowledge will be stored on a single nanotechnology t-shirt!”
Sara A Mueller: “Eternity is a terrible thought… I mean, where’s it all going to end?”
Matthew S. Rotundo: “Karaoke slut.”
Glenn Glazer: “Danger! Land Mines!”
Bridget Coila: “This is me”
Michael Bloss: “Make sure you actually have my attention before talking to me.”
Lori Ann White: “Selectively Mature.”

Got shirt? Real or imaginary? Post it in comments!

Tags: ,

[funny] Department of things which are ironically ironic

The chief symptom of my current shoulder problems is debilitating pain when I thoughtlessly reach past my currently limited range of motion, or grasp weight in certain ways. Unplugging a power cord with my left hand can send me to the couch in tears for several minutes, unable to move or think. This is why I was at the physical therapist yesterday.

So this morning, I was icing my left shoulder as instructed. On finishing the icing effort, I went to remove the ice bag from my shoulder, and it slipped away from my grip, where I immediately grabbed for it with my left hand.

Bingo! Debilitating pain! From my fricking ice pack!

Oh, irony, thy bite is cruel yet unloving.

Tags: , ,

« Older Posts | Newer Posts »