Jay Lake: Writer

• Alex J. Kane - If you're going to do that, sir, the law prefers that you do so in the center of the city street with one hand on the arse of your horse, for the sake of balance. (17%, 8 Votes)
• markbourne - "Jay rolled his eyes, an action he usually avoided because putting them back in again tickled like the dickens." (13%, 6 Votes)
• delkytlar - Jay's spirits get a lift when he learns that everyone at WorldCon actually thought his new hairstyle was a hat. (6%, 3 Votes)
• elizaeffect - Wonka's new tomato-flavored chewing gum sounded disgusting at first, but was a surprise hit at the Lake compound - until the transformation began... (6%, 3 Votes)
• Gerry Huntman - Jay Lake, wearing on his shirt the extremely rare, but fragrant, Euphoric Daffodil, the only plant known to exude, even after picking, nitris oxide. (6%, 3 Votes)
• H - "No really the view of the sheep is out of this world! Here, lemme lend you my eye." (6%, 3 Votes)
• goulo - Because his cap is ribbed for extra pleasure. (6%, 3 Votes)
• deza - "You think a published author makes how much?" (4%, 2 Votes)
• cjmarsicano - I don't need the silly turban and the sealed envelopes to do Johnny Carson's "Carnac The Magnificent" routine. (4%, 2 Votes)
• catjuggling - "I sense a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices cried out in terror, when I farted." (4%, 2 Votes)
• Steve Buchheit - Jay Lake reads the Pledge for America. "Funniest piece of comedic fantasy this year," says Jay. (4%, 2 Votes)
• Don - SCHOLES…. Ken… Please put pants on! Man, I did not need to see THAT this early in the morning. (4%, 2 Votes)
• etcet - "Your attempt at enacting a remake of Scanners' definitive scene tickles. OH MY GOD, THERE IS A SPARKLEPONY DANCING IN MY SINUSES." (4%, 2 Votes)
• ubiquitous_a - Wow, that squirting flower gag just never gets old! (4%, 2 Votes)
• dsmoen - No, I'm sorry, you cannot do that with me AND the COLOSSAL SQUID! (2%, 1 Votes)
• kimberlywade - "It's not cancer!" (2%, 1 Votes)
• garyomaha - "Oopsie. Here I stand, all in a fit..." (2%, 1 Votes)
• Andrew Nicolle - Whereupon we witness, first hand, the after effects of Jay's little-known New Zealand clown allergy. (2%, 1 Votes)
• Deven - Jay: "'Damn pleasure ta see ya, mate?'" Giggles. "Sorry for the TMI, I thought you said, 'Did'ya please yer mate?'" (2%, 1 Votes)
• jennifer_brozek - "Wait! Wait! This always works at home. I will split the bottle with my mind." (0%, 0 Votes)
• horace_hamster - Nobody can tell a better joke than a daffodil lapel pin. (0%, 0 Votes)
• skidspoppe - And now, using only the power of my mind, I will cause my facial hair to grow... (0%, 0 Votes)
• little_foxy - You were just given your first pair of velcro gloves! And then had to have it explained to you why you need them! (0%, 0 Votes)
• elizaeffect - You are thinking of...PFFFT! Seriously? AHAHAHAHAHA! You are thinking of a...*sporfle* HAHAHAHA! I can't even say it, I'm la...laughing too hard! (0%, 0 Votes)
• e_bourne - Could someone please ask the Klingon to put his pants back on? (0%, 0 Votes)
• dr_phil_physics - "I traveled halfway around the world to New Zealand and you call THAT a joke?" (0%, 0 Votes)
• dbroussa - The CLAW!!!! Oh No, not the CLAAAWWWW!!!! (0%, 0 Votes)
• daibheid - No, seriously...what the heck just squirted out of my eye! (0%, 0 Votes)
• cuddlycthulhu - The kangaroo put what where? (0%, 0 Votes)
• John Gibbons - Ha! When you asked "How were things Down Under?", I thought you meant... (0%, 0 Votes)
• Carmelo Rafala - Oh shit. Really…in my pants… (0%, 0 Votes)
• voidampersand - The Colossal Squid! (2%, 0 Votes)

Total Voters: 48

• madrobins: "I admit to its utility," said Miss Penderghast. "But the steam-powered corset-laundry will not catch on until it can be rendered small enough for the ordinary household." (15%, 12 Votes)
• shelly_rae: Fortunately the colonoscopy scope has improved in the modern era and no longer requires a team of horses. It just feels that way. (11%, 9 Votes)
• cjmarsicano: The Lime Observatory apologizes for the embarrassment caused by an intern pointing our telescope at the nudist beach in the next county. (10%, 8 Votes)
• TVining: Well, ya'gotta reinforce the collar fittings, and she'll need a new coat of paint, but I think she'll fire again. (9%, 7 Votes)
• burger_eater: Steampunk: Brass, goggles and phallic symbols. (8%, 6 Votes)
• Maurine Starkey: The opening of the new steam power station has been delayed until crews could finish with the faux aged and distressed decor. "Dystopian aesthetic is the standard in today's society (6%, 5 Votes)
• jaborwhalky: In aether, no one can hear you scream (4%, 3 Votes)
• frozenrhino: D00d, this thing is gonna be the best waterballoon cannon EVER! (4%, 3 Votes)
• robling_t: Upon reflection, Shelley decided that "Look on my cock, ye mighty, and despair" was a bit on-the-nose and did some rewriting... (4%, 3 Votes)
• lagbolt: His right ankle needed oiling, and the paint was peeling on his foot. (4%, 3 Votes)
• tanuki_green: Prepare to fire the Steam Cannon, Mr. Biggles! (3%, 2 Votes)
• RJ: It is said that the number of rivets required for the main penstock feed to the great binary reckoner was the last, great calculation made by the brute force of men's brains. (3%, 2 Votes)
• L Cohen: Magnetic Alignment Collars (MACs) on the TransContinental Accelerator (1909). Colloquially known as Mrs. Planck's Garter Belts. (3%, 2 Votes)
• jenntheamazon: Well, time to paint the aquaducts again *sigh* (3%, 2 Votes)
• goulo: Weeks after our gallant troops suppressed the local insurrection, the spice duct still showed vestiges of the vain spear attack on that fateful day of Prince Higgenbotham's coronation. (3%, 2 Votes)
• dionysus1999: Smokestack Lightning: because a 50 foot metal man's smoke has to be proportional to his other brass assets. (3%, 2 Votes)
• Randy Henderson: She think you mighty man when your pipe look like to this. Buy Doctor Miracle's magical unction and put you the steam back in your punk!!! (3%, 2 Votes)
• will_couvillier: Steam Blaster - not just for paint removal any longer! (1%, 1 Votes)
• will_couvillier: Use GlowMite - The finest in radiation reflective paint! (1%, 1 Votes)
• will_couvillier: Whoa! Who snapped the crank handle off? (1%, 1 Votes)
• Randy Henderson: Behold, man's final monument to the dawn of his own destruction the remains of the BP oil pipeline. Alas, it outlasted its creators. (1%, 1 Votes)
• pmrabble: Jay's idea pipeline is getting a tad overworked. (1%, 1 Votes)
• martianmooncrab: Blowback from the mighty Air Rail Gun was highly corrosive, and if the Gun Crew didnt follow proceedures, casualties would rise. (1%, 1 Votes)
• Deven Atkinson: Pictured are the frozen roller bearings of the Niagara Falls Power Company's primary penstock. Lack of rotation these past two weeks has caused the pipe to begin filling with sediment (0%, 0 Votes)
• Ellen Eades: The Kiln Veterans. (0%, 0 Votes)
• erikthenude: Well, the utility company said that if we bought 3 household appliances that they would hook our home up with gas for free. (0%, 0 Votes)
• Randy Henderson: You put the lime in the Majestic Mechanical Material Mixating Marvel, and mix it all up. Add coconut to taste. (0%, 0 Votes)
• selfavowedgeek: I stormed Aqaba, and all I got was this stupid t-shirt. (0%, 0 Votes)
• Ruthanne Reid: NOW let's see that dog get in here! (0%, 0 Votes)
• paulcarp: For dessert, I'll try the key Lime pipe. (0%, 0 Votes)

Total Voters: 79

• Matt H: Tai Shan always ended up giving his lunch money to the bigger pandas, and he never looked forward to gym class. (25%, 26 Votes)
• goulo: "You have failed me for the last time, Admiral." (9%, 9 Votes)
• biomekanic: "The power of Christ compels you!" (7%, 7 Votes)
• djonn: Out of nowhere, Dr. McGuffin strikes, transforming Jay Lake and The Child with his diabolical Panda Beam! (7%, 7 Votes)
• Jaws: I don't KNOW where the bomb is! And what’s this "waterbambooing" thing you're talking about? (6%, 6 Votes)
• biomekanic: "I told you, no more wire coat hangers!" (5%, 5 Votes)
• sacredmime: Small panda: "Don't hurt me, I'm on the endangered list!" (5%, 5 Votes)
• biomekanic: "Is Ling-ling going to have to choke a bitch?" (5%, 5 Votes)
• dinogrl: Ling Ling, if I told you once, I;ve told you one thousand times, QUIT Panda'ering to that Jay Lake! It's NOT going to work! You will not win this contest! Now STOP it! (3%, 3 Votes)
• blogtiderising: Now, now, Junior. Put down that paw. We're socialists not fascists. (3%, 3 Votes)
• slweippert: But Mom! It was funny when Dad did it! (3%, 3 Votes)
• quantumage: I...Forgot...Safeword! (3%, 3 Votes)
• love_of_anime: "Mom...I washed under my neck I swear-geez-I'm too old for this." (2%, 2 Votes)
• stillsostrange: "But Mooooooommmm, everybody's wearing their collars popped!" "Not in my house, they're not." (2%, 2 Votes)
• will_couvillier: I swear it's true! Hairless pink aliens stole all the bamboo, not me! (2%, 2 Votes)
• sacredmime: "Pop quiz, punk--What's about to be black and white and red all over?" (2%, 2 Votes)
• brent_kellmer: "No, no, George, Get a hold of yourself! You'll get through this -- you just have to be strong." (2%, 2 Votes)
• mikigarrison: Posy was starting to wish that she'd gone for the Smokey the Bear gig -- being the Domestic Violence Panda might have more prestige and career potential, but a girl can only be choked s (2%, 2 Votes)
• melissajm: "I swear, Billy gave me this black eye! Honest!" "Uh-huh." (2%, 2 Votes)
• JSN: Auditions for the next Panda Express spokes-bear get out of hand when Junior gloats he's cuter than Eddie and Tom-Tom put together. (1%, 1 Votes)
• kylecassidy: "Imagine," George Lucas told the crowd of aspiring filmmakers, "how much better the merchandising sales would have been had all the characters in Mommy Dearest been, say, panda bears. (1%, 1 Votes)
• charlesatan: "Stay still so I can unzip you out of the panda costume." (1%, 1 Votes)
• yourbob: But Mom! The whole gang's going to see "Kung Fu Panda." (1%, 1 Votes)
• vg_ford: Really, Mom, I didn't take your copy of Mainspring! I don't know where it is! (1%, 1 Votes)
• kradical: No, really, it was this big!!!!!! (1%, 1 Votes)
• newroticgirl: SLAPFIGHT!!! (0%, 0 Votes)
• Intelligentrix: Gimme yer lunch money! Don't make me give you a wedgie. (0%, 0 Votes)
• kehrli: DOH! The thirtieth season of The Simpsons, now live-action with an all-panda cast, has been canceled. The cause was cited as 'low ratings' and not, as some have suggested, increasing opposit (0%, 0 Votes)
• will_couvillier: Hai, CHOP!! (0%, 0 Votes)
• wild_patience: "Mom, that tickles! Hey, when is it my turn to lead?" (0%, 0 Votes)
• will_couvillier: I didn't do it! I swear, the polar bear did it, really! (0%, 0 Votes)
• klingonguy: From the Spice Up Your Sex Life Calendar: Furry* Missionary Position with a Dwarf *Also available in Aardvark, Tiger, and Zebra suits. (0%, 0 Votes)
• quantumage: Bear-atch! Puh-lease! (0%, 0 Votes)
• martyn44: Mom, I didn't know it was your last one. Scout's honour! (0%, 0 Votes)
• quantumage: Simpsons did it. (0%, 0 Votes)
• quantumage: Raise your hand if you think drinking my last cold bamboo beer was a bad idea. Anyone? Anyone? (0%, 0 Votes)
• cjmarsicano: No, no, no! I'm supposed to be leading! And we're learning the fox trot, not the tango! (0%, 0 Votes)
• jaborwhalky: "Raise your hands in the air, wave them like you just don't care" (0%, 0 Votes)

Total Voters: 102