Child | jlake.com

[art] “Angel Flies” by the Child

“Useless in a Crack” by the_child. Medium: iPad 3G, Brushes app.

Posted: 5:26 am Wed August 25 2010 | Comments(0) |

[personal] Fatherhood in the time of cancer

Driving home last night from dinner, I was listening to NPR. Terri Gross was interviewing Scott Simon about his book on adoption, Baby We Were Meant For Each Other. Simon was talking about the mechanics of the adoption process in China, which are very familiar to me as that is how the_child joined our family. Then he started talking about child abandonment and orphanage life in China, which saddened me. Those are realities with which I am reasonably conversant, in the context of being a complete outsider, and they are certainly the realities of my daughter’s early life.

What really broke me was when he then started talking about being an older parent (Simon was 50 when he and his wife adopted their first daughter), and what it would mean when he passed away and left his children behind.

When you peel back all the prognoses and tests and procedures and psychotherapy and family support and love, underneath it all, I truly no longer expect to live to be old. This conviction didn’t emerge until the first metastasis in my lung. The second metastasis which I’m currently dealing with in my liver has only deepened my sense of fatalism. These days, I define a successful life as one in which I survive in reasonable health long enough to see the_child graduate from high school. She’s about to start seventh grade, which means I need to hang in for six more years. Or, given the current metrics, through six more recurrences of my cancer.

None of this is logical. It’s probably not even all that mentally healthy. On a day to day basis, I work at being positive, and I believe I largely succeed at it. (Though calendula_witch might beg to disagree.) But when I’m being honest down to the bone, I don’t see a long future for myself.

That just is. And in some ways, I think I’ve accepted my sense of mortality. I will fight for every inch, all the way to full cure or to the end, whichever comes first. If it does come as I fear, I will have many regrets — books unwritten, places unvisited, people not yet loved, the grief and loss of my parents. But what I want the most is to see the_child into adulthood in good order. What I fear the most is never being able to do that.

Sometimes love is a bitter cup.

Tags: Books, Calendula, Cancer, Child, family, health, Personal, Writing

Posted: 5:28 am Tue August 24 2010 | Comments(7) |

[personal] The day that was

Oi. Such a day. Nothing cancer-related, for a change. I took the_child to the AT&T store at the mall just up the road a mile or two. We were adding a phone to an existing plan. This should have taken 10, 15 minutes. It took an hour and forty-minutes, involved at least five store employees, multiple phone calls to various inside help lines, and four (or possibly more) attempted number assignments. Something was seriously wrong with AT&T’s retail management software. Meanwhile, I, who cannot stand for any length of time even now due to fatigue and peripheral neuropathy, was stuck the whole damned time in an AT&T store with no chairs, stools or benches. The issue was clearly not the fault of the employees, and I remained good natured, but that was damned hard. Eventually she did get her first phone.

I made it home with about two minutes to spare before calendula_witch arrived to pick me up to go to see Inception in the cinema at the same damned mall. As the_child had said, “Why don’t you just have her meet you here?” To which I replied, “How will you get home?” She shrugged, then said, “Magic?”

As for Inception, I was highly entertained. I think I was impressed, but I’ll need to contemplate for a while. At the very least, it was well worth my time. I’d sure like to see it again. Spoilerrific musings possible in the next few days, though given my schedule, doubtful.

Eating leftovers now, then a much-delayed call with tillyjane, who is camping somewhere in Wyoming, then I am to bed with a book. Y’all play nice.

Tags: Calendula, Child, Movies, Personal

Posted: 6:22 pm Sun August 22 2010 | Comments(4) |

[art] “Useless in a Crack” by the Child

“Useless in a Crack” by the_child. Medium: iPad 3G, Brushes app.

Tags: Art, Child, iPad

Posted: 10:13 am Sun August 22 2010 | Comments(2) |

[personal] A blinding rush through mud

Swimming in mud lately. Had the expected Versed hangover through yesterday. On the other hand, I managed to finish Endurance.

I’m actually kind of amazed I’ve gotten anything done. Between preparing for the New Zealand-Australia trip, finishing revisions to Endurance, managing cancer issues (second opinion, surgery planning, etc.) and the colonoscopy, I’ve been extremely busy. Way behind on correspondence and other obligations, and won’t likely catch up for a long time. I hate that.

I have some writing and WRPA to do today, along with taking the_child shopping for her first cell phone, seeing a movie with calendula_witch and packing for the upcoming trip. Busy is as busy does.

Tags: Australia, Books, Calendula, Cancer, Child, Endurance, health, New Zealand, Personal, Travel, Writing

Posted: 6:45 am Sun August 22 2010 | Comments(1) |

[personal] Sleeping it off, walking and talking our way into the new day

We stumbled home from the colonoscopy (and lunch at the Lamp) around 1:30 yesterday afternoon. I spent most of the rest of the day in the big chair, alternately sleeping and resting. This after being unconscious for a couple of hours in the morning during the procedure and during recovery. Then I ate a few oranges, and finally wandered to bed to sleep just shy of ten hours.

Oi. Versed, thy name is logeyness.

A nice walk with calendula_witch this morning, after which she went off to yoga and I made myself breakfast tacos. Scrambled the egg with a splash of water, a splash of milk, a big splash of truffle oil, some garlic powder, some onion powder and some chili powder. Mmm mmm mmm. I’ll be around the house much of the day, writing and interacting with the_child. I had hopes of finishing off Endurance today, but everything is running so low and slow I suspect I won’t be able to put quite enough time into it. Tomorrow, however, ought to be a wrap.

calendula_witch and I had a long talk on our walk about the issue of limits versus limitations. She feels quite strongly that I fight all this too hard. As she put it by way of example, I am always surprised and annoyed at how much I sleep. (Given that I still think of myself as someone who sleeps well and rested on six hours a night, and I spent about 13 or 14 of the last 24 hours unconscious… well, yeah.)

Her position is that if I can accept what’s happening to me, I’ll have an easier time of it, and so will everyone else around me. My view is that I accept the limitations — I don’t fight my need for sleep, for example — but I reject the limits they place on me and who I am. I’m afraid that if I accept too much of this, I won’t retain the strength and toughness to fight my way back to where I want and need to be.

A difficult conversation, though not the least bit acrimonious. She is probably right. But I don’t know how to give up, and this acceptance she counsels feels like giving up to me. I can’t figure if this is a core strength, a character defect, or both.

Meanwhile, the day awaits, as does Endurance.

Tags: Books, Calendula, Cancer, Child, Endurance, Food, health, Personal, Writing

Posted: 9:06 am Sat August 21 2010 | Comments(2) |