[conventions] AussieCon 4, Day One
Had a great time yesterday here in Melbourne, albeit running very much up against the limits of my energy. Spoon management, indeed.
I overslept amazingly. Hence yesterday’s paucity of blogging. Then I grabbed some breakfast and walked across the plaza to the convention center with danjite and khaybee. Saw about a zillion folks I know over there in the process of collecting badges, pro packet, etc. Eschewed programming in favor of laying fairly low for the day.
calendula_witch and I did go to lunch with John Scalzi over at the Crowne Plaza to check out the bar. (It was a bust.) Ran into gaaneden and Mr. Gaaneden there, along with several other friends both old and new. We then spent the afternoon loitering in the Hilton bar (despite my announcement of yesterday), followed by dinner with Diana Gill, John Scalzi, danjite and khaybee at the casino nearby. Pretty good Italian food.
Post-dinner, I went back to the room and collapsed while everyone else partied late in the Hilton bar.
Today I have a panel at noon and a reading at 4:30. Otherwise I’ll either be napping or in the Hilton bar again. (Detect a theme here?) Trying to manage energy and spoons so I can power through the evening parts of the Con. (Ahem, Hugos.) Ten or eleven weeks after chemo, this is still damned tough. Having a good time trying, though.
See some, all or none of you around the joint today.
Tags: Australia, Calendula, Cancer, convention, health, Travel
Posted: 3:28 pm Thu September 02 2010 | Comments(0) |
[travel] Off today to the antipodes, forward all my mail to the South Seas
This afternoon calendula_witch and I are off to New Zealand. Portland to Los Angeles to Sydney to Wellington, a ridiculous amount of flight hours and transit time. Longest flight I’ve ever taken before is San Francisco to Hong Kong. The LA-Sydney hop on this flight will be even mightier. Thank Ghu for business class seats. danjite and khaybee will meet us at the other end, pour us into their state limo, and see us to their home. Next week we’ll all four pop over to Melbourne.
Expect unknown amounts of blogging at unknown times. I will probably take a metric frak-ton of photos, of course, on account of because that’s what I do in furrin parts. Of course, those crazy Kiwis don’t know that they’re the furriners.
I won’t be answering my phone much, but I will keep an eyeball on email. Write if you need me.
calendula_witch and I are back on Thursday, September 9th. Surgery festivities the following week, in which I expect to be in the hospital from September 16th to September 20th. (I didn’t really need my liver anyway, did I?) It is my plan to spend as little as possible of the next two weeks thinking about that.
And, oddly, one thing I’m really looking forward to is the night sky. It will be like going to a different planet.
Tags: Australia, Calendula, Cancer, Conventions, health, New Zealand, Personal, Photos, Travel
Posted: 5:12 am Wed August 25 2010 | Comments(2) |
[personal] Fatherhood in the time of cancer
Driving home last night from dinner, I was listening to NPR. Terri Gross was interviewing Scott Simon about his book on adoption, Baby We Were Meant For Each Other. Simon was talking about the mechanics of the adoption process in China, which are very familiar to me as that is how the_child joined our family. Then he started talking about child abandonment and orphanage life in China, which saddened me. Those are realities with which I am reasonably conversant, in the context of being a complete outsider, and they are certainly the realities of my daughter’s early life.
What really broke me was when he then started talking about being an older parent (Simon was 50 when he and his wife adopted their first daughter), and what it would mean when he passed away and left his children behind.
When you peel back all the prognoses and tests and procedures and psychotherapy and family support and love, underneath it all, I truly no longer expect to live to be old. This conviction didn’t emerge until the first metastasis in my lung. The second metastasis which I’m currently dealing with in my liver has only deepened my sense of fatalism. These days, I define a successful life as one in which I survive in reasonable health long enough to see the_child graduate from high school. She’s about to start seventh grade, which means I need to hang in for six more years. Or, given the current metrics, through six more recurrences of my cancer.
None of this is logical. It’s probably not even all that mentally healthy. On a day to day basis, I work at being positive, and I believe I largely succeed at it. (Though calendula_witch might beg to disagree.) But when I’m being honest down to the bone, I don’t see a long future for myself.
That just is. And in some ways, I think I’ve accepted my sense of mortality. I will fight for every inch, all the way to full cure or to the end, whichever comes first. If it does come as I fear, I will have many regrets — books unwritten, places unvisited, people not yet loved, the grief and loss of my parents. But what I want the most is to see the_child into adulthood in good order. What I fear the most is never being able to do that.
Sometimes love is a bitter cup.
Tags: Books, Calendula, Cancer, Child, family, health, Personal, Writing
Posted: 5:28 am Tue August 24 2010 | Comments(7) |
[personal] A blinding rush through mud
Swimming in mud lately. Had the expected Versed hangover through yesterday. On the other hand, I managed to finish Endurance.
I’m actually kind of amazed I’ve gotten anything done. Between preparing for the New Zealand-Australia trip, finishing revisions to Endurance, managing cancer issues (second opinion, surgery planning, etc.) and the colonoscopy, I’ve been extremely busy. Way behind on correspondence and other obligations, and won’t likely catch up for a long time. I hate that.
I have some writing and WRPA to do today, along with taking the_child shopping for her first cell phone, seeing a movie with calendula_witch and packing for the upcoming trip. Busy is as busy does.
Tags: Australia, Books, Calendula, Cancer, Child, Endurance, health, New Zealand, Personal, Travel, Writing
Posted: 6:45 am Sun August 22 2010 | Comments(1) |
[personal] Sleeping it off, walking and talking our way into the new day
We stumbled home from the colonoscopy (and lunch at the Lamp) around 1:30 yesterday afternoon. I spent most of the rest of the day in the big chair, alternately sleeping and resting. This after being unconscious for a couple of hours in the morning during the procedure and during recovery. Then I ate a few oranges, and finally wandered to bed to sleep just shy of ten hours.
Oi. Versed, thy name is logeyness.
A nice walk with calendula_witch this morning, after which she went off to yoga and I made myself breakfast tacos. Scrambled the egg with a splash of water, a splash of milk, a big splash of truffle oil, some garlic powder, some onion powder and some chili powder. Mmm mmm mmm. I’ll be around the house much of the day, writing and interacting with the_child. I had hopes of finishing off Endurance today, but everything is running so low and slow I suspect I won’t be able to put quite enough time into it. Tomorrow, however, ought to be a wrap.
calendula_witch and I had a long talk on our walk about the issue of limits versus limitations. She feels quite strongly that I fight all this too hard. As she put it by way of example, I am always surprised and annoyed at how much I sleep. (Given that I still think of myself as someone who sleeps well and rested on six hours a night, and I spent about 13 or 14 of the last 24 hours unconscious… well, yeah.)
Her position is that if I can accept what’s happening to me, I’ll have an easier time of it, and so will everyone else around me. My view is that I accept the limitations — I don’t fight my need for sleep, for example — but I reject the limits they place on me and who I am. I’m afraid that if I accept too much of this, I won’t retain the strength and toughness to fight my way back to where I want and need to be.
A difficult conversation, though not the least bit acrimonious. She is probably right. But I don’t know how to give up, and this acceptance she counsels feels like giving up to me. I can’t figure if this is a core strength, a character defect, or both.
Meanwhile, the day awaits, as does Endurance.
Tags: Books, Calendula, Cancer, Child, Endurance, Food, health, Personal, Writing
Posted: 9:06 am Sat August 21 2010 | Comments(2) |
[cancer] The saucer brought me home, colonoscopy all good
Colonoscopy this morning. The (important) good news, as calendula_witch explains here is that I’m all normal. No polyps, no nothing. I don’t need another one for three years. The (transient) bad news is that I am as fatigued now post-procedurally as I was during some of the worst of chemo. My recovery climbout from sedation or anaesthesia is always much longer than the norm. calendula_witch is here at Nuevo Rancho Lake keeping an eye on me.
Tags: Calendula, Cancer, health
Posted: 5:23 pm Fri August 20 2010 | Comments(9) |
[personal] Miscellaneous updatery is all part of my rock and roll fantasy
Despite the title on this post, I had a Banarama moment in the shower this morning. And let me tell you, nothing convinces one that one needs a shower like a day of colonoscopy prep can do.
Bits and pieces:
- Speaking of colonoscopy prep, I’m off to the clinic Real Soon Now, in the care of calendula_witch. And no, anent suggestions from several helpful souls, vodka was not an approved part of the clear liquid diet of the past 30 hours.
- I’ll be closing out the steampunk caption contest voting poll, probably on Monday. Right now madrobins is leading the field.
- I figure on being done with Endurance sometime this weekend. Then I’ll be working on the Kalimpura outline and trying to sweep through some WRPA and a few short fiction projects in fairly short order.
- Next Tuesday I am in an audio studio for a little while. It will be my first time recording with pro equipment. Too bad my voice is so iffy…
- Cancer second opinion consultation will take place at M.D. Anderson in Houston, Texas, probably in early October. Watch this space for updates.
- I’d like to do another contest/book giveaway for the upcoming release of The Sky That Wraps. Should it be a caption contest, or shall we do something else?
Alien abduction experience, here I come…
Tags: audio, Books, Calendula, Cancer, Contests, Endurance, health, Kalimpura, Personal, Polls, Texas, Writing
Posted: 6:54 am Fri August 20 2010 | Comments(2) |
[cancer] Time for another alien abduction experience
I am having another colonoscopy tomorrow. That means I’m on a clear fluid diet today, and this afternoon will be taking WonderDrugs™ to ensure the pipes are clean. I’ve warned everyone local to stay the heck away from Nuevo Rancho Lake today. There truly are some experiences that should not be shared.
A lot people are very uncomfortable with the idea of a colonoscopy. It’s invasive, in a manner and location which can feel very transgressive. It’s a little spooky, especially if you happen to get a look at the probe beforehand. Imagine a Norelco razor duct-taped to a black garden hose… Then imagine that going where the sun don’t shine. We’re talking Fantastic Voyage, except with John Candy in the Raquel Welch role.
I like to think of colonoscopies as alien abduction experiences. I’m taken into a little room with bright lights by mysterious figures in face masks and splash guards, I’m forced to strip and lie on a cold table, I get to enjoy an anal probe, and afterward remember almost noting of it. Really, how different is that from the classic contactee narrative? Perhaps the CIA has had field-expedient colonoscopy teams roaming the country in black helicopters all these years, when they’ve been able to take time off from mutilating cattle, staring at goats and overthrowing Third World dictatorships.
But there’s two critical facts about colonoscopies.
One, they don’t hurt at all. (I’m far more wiped out by the sedation.)
Two, they can and will save your life.
So do me a favor. Do yourself a favor. Do everyone who loves you a favor. If you’re eligible for a colonoscopy (in most US healthcare environments, that means being aged 50 or older), go get one. More to the point, if you have experienced any of the warning signs of colon cancer, whatever your age, go get a colonoscopy.
Colon cancer is the third most commonly diagnosed cancer in the United States, with about 6% of the population eventually suffering from it. It’s the second largest killer among cancers, after lung cancer. The procedure is a little embarrassing and rather disruptive, but I’m here to tell you from deep personal experience that living with colon cancer is a hell of a lot more disruptive than half a day on the toilet and some bright lights in a little room.
So enough with the PSA. I’m doing my bit, because we already know my colon loves to produce new polyps, the bad kind. Due to my medical history, that induces a certain amount of fear and trepidation on my part, but the alternatives are worse.
Tags: Cancer, health, Personal
Posted: 5:18 am Thu August 19 2010 | Comments(7) |
[personal] Disclaimer: This post lacks wit or wisdom
Some really moving answers to yesterday’s question about what people have learned from the great trials of their life. Go read.
Slept very poorly last night here. Massive sleepfail. Not sure why, except that it happens occasionally. Perhaps I caught it from calendula_witch.
Everything has been running behind the last few days, either that or cut short. Meetings at work have almost all run over. My trip to the dentist yesterday was delayed by a late start for my chair time, then it ran long. (Thank to chemo, I am rather behind on tooth cleaning. Wow was that unpleasant.)
I’m expecting a kind of slow, difficult day today due to the severe lack of sleep. A month or two ago this would have been devastating. Now it’s mostly seriously annoying. We shall see. At any rate, not much wit or wisdom from me this morning.
Tags: Calendula, Cancer, health, Personal, work
Posted: 5:56 am Wed August 18 2010 | Comments(1) |
[cancer] A pair of semirandom lists
Some things that irritate me about the cancer experience.
- Cold, cold hands and numb feet from peripheral neuropathy
- Irregular sleep
- Irregular lower GI
- Emotional jags
- Screwing up my writing schedule
- Casting a pall on the future
Some things the cancer experience has granted me.
- A keen awareness of how much I am loved
- An opportunity to come to terms with my mortality
- Renewed sense of priority
- Heightened awareness of my somatic self
- Perspective — so much fucking perspective I could mine it and sell it by the long ton
What have the great trials of your life taught you?
Tags: Cancer, health, Personal
Posted: 5:18 am Tue August 17 2010 | Comments(3) |
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