[cancer] Fear, moving like a slow tide
by
I had an absolutely lovely weekend in San Francisco with
This is not the usual pathology of my Fear. I typically experience a short, sharp attack of anger, grief or depression, sometimes to the point of being physically overwhelemed, then, within about ten minutes or less, I’m fine. Sort of like flybys.
Instead it was in and around me, lapping at me, growing.
At this point I’m starting to resent the Fear precisely because it does feel relict. Hey, I’ve been living with this shit for a while. In some senses, I’ll be living with it for the rest of my life, no matter how this next few rouns goes. So, erm, can I please be excused?
But no. And yes, I know it would be far weirder if I wasn’t reacting. But Ghu, I’m tired of being this way, even intermittently.
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Overcoming, or at least confronting, the fear is so important. Being open and honest with loved ones who support you is crucial. The fear destroyed my dad; he refused to deal with it, or even talk about it, and it not only made him miserable, it made his illness unbearable to him and it seriously detracted from his ability to fight it. My mom had a hard time opening up about it, and she had a hard time expressing her feelings, but once she did she dealt with all the other feelings and worries with more fortitude and confidence. She still had to keep working at it: “I’ve never cried this much in my life!” But that work keeps you connected to people, and to your own state of mind.
It’s great that you have someone to hash it out with, even when the emotional going gets tough.