9 thoughts on “[funny] Tell me a joke, part 2

  1. Anthony says:

    “Knock Knock”
    “Who’s there?”
    “Doctor.”
    “Doctor Who?”
    “I love that show!”

    * * * * *

    Which knight of King Arthur’s Court invented the Round Table?

    Sir Cumference, of course.

    * * * * *

    Did you hear about the senator who was visiting the Environmental Protection Agency while the staff scientists were debating safe levels for pH under the National Pollutant Discharge Elimination System? He got aggravated with how long they were taking to come to an agreement, so he asked to speak to them. “Look,” he said, “You’re supposed to be discussing the National Pollutant Discharge Elimination System. Just agree that the level of pH in the water should be zero!”

  2. ChrisB says:

    One from Bob Smith:

    My boyfriend’s Jewish, which is great, because we celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas. We have a nativity scene, but all the people look skeptical.

  3. MLR says:

    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

    The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

    ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

  4. Cora says:

    A nun’s bicycle has broken down by the roadside and the nun decides to hitchhike back to the abbey. So she puts up her thumb, but no one stops. Finally, an Opel Manta (German made sportscar with a reputation for attracting dim-witted drivers) stops. “Oh, God bless you, young man”, the nun says.
    “Oh, never mind”, the Manta driver replies, “Batman’s friends are my friends.”

    ————————————

    The highway patrol spots a car going very, very slowly on Highway 27. So the officers pull the car over and see that the driver is an old lady. On the passenger and the backseat, there are three more old ladies, looking rather pale and shaken.
    “What’s the matter, officer?”, the driver asks.
    “Uhm, Ma’am, this is a highway and the minimum speed is 60 kilometers per hour. But you’re going barely thirty kilometers per hour.”
    “Exactly twenty-seven kilometers per hours”, the old lady says proudly, “Just as it says on that sign over there.” She points at the Highway 27 sign.
    “Ma’am, that’s the highway designation, not the speed limit”, the police officer says.
    “Oh really?”, the old lady says, “Well, I was wondering why the speed limit was so low on such a nice broad highway.”
    “And you’re sure everything is okay?”, the officer asks, “Cause you’re companions are looking a little shaken.”
    “Oh, they’ll recover”, the old lady says blithely, “You see, we just came from Highway 281.”

    ———————–

    You’ve probably heard this one before, but it’s still good.

    What is the difference between George W. Bush and a chimp?

    George W. Bush never believed in evolution in the first place, whereas the chimp only stopped believing in evolution once he saw Bush on TV.

    Replace with Romney as required.

  5. J.D. Rhoades says:

    A priest is sitting in the confession booth. He hears someone come in and take a seat. A small quavery voice says, “Bless me, faddah, for I have sinned. I’m eighty-two years old, but I’m having an affair with a beautiful twenty-two year old girl. Oy Vey, so insatiable she is! We do it three, four times a day, every position, every room in the house. Yesterday we had a threesome with her nineteen year old sister…”

    Suddenly the priest recognizes the voice. “Saul?” he says, “Saul Steinberg?”

    “Yah?”

    “Saul, you’re Jewish. I’m a Catholic priest. Why are you telling me this?”

    “You?” Saul says, “I’m tellin’ EVERYBODY!!”

  6. J.D. Rhoades says:

    In a monastery in the north of Ireland, there were two parrots. The parrots were known far and wide as miraculous, for all they did all day was sit on their perch and pray with their rosary beads. Priests, nuns, and pilgrims came from miles around to see the miraculous praying parrots.

    One day, an abbot from Dublin paid a call.

    “Brother,” he said to the abbot of the monastery, “we have a parrot in our care as well. But this one is not so holy. In fact, this parrot was raised from birth in a brothel. All she can say, all day, is “fuck me, I’m a filthy whore.” It’s rather embarrassing. I was wondering if you’d be so kind, can we bring our poor benighted Polly to sit with your holy parrots in the hopes that perhaps some of their piety will rub off on her?”

    The abbot agreed.

    When the female parrot was brought in, the miracle parrots were busy, their little claws clicking away on the rosary, their petitions ascending to heaven. Polly looked at them and called out “fuck me, I’m a filthy whore!”

    The first parrot cried “drop the beads, Seamus, our prayers are answered!”

  7. Andy says:

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! don’t do it!”
    “Why shouldn’t I?” he said.
    I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”
    He said, “Like what?”
    I said, “Well…are you religious or atheist?”
    He said, “Religious.”
    I said, “Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?”
    He said, “Christian.”
    I said, “Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?”
    He said, “Protestant.”
    I said, “Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?”
    He said, “Baptist!”
    I said,”Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?”
    He said, “Baptist church of god!”
    I said, “Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?”
    He said,”Reformed Baptist church of god!”
    I said, “Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?”
    He said, “Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!”
    I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off.
    — Emo Phillips

  8. gustovcarl says:

    A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar.

    The bartender says, “What is this? A joke?”

  9. Lara says:

    Question: why did the chicken blush?

    Answer: he saw the turkey dressing

Comments are closed.