[cancer] Struggling with the lead suit, body and mind

I continue to not return email and avoid online chat. This is not a permanent state of affairs, but it will continue for a few days yet. I plead for continued amnesty.

My body continues to be a lead suit, albeit with a few of the plates falling off. This is much like emerging from the back end of months of chemotherapy. That’s not the hard part.

The hard part is the lead suit which encloses my mind. I can still barely single-task. My usual level of everyday multitasking feels like a moonshot project. Focus is a stone bitch. The medications I received on this protocol kicked my mind hard, and I’m still not up off the mat.

Which is scary and sad and difficult to cope with. Especially while the meat-and-and-bone part of me is also so afflicted with lead. I’m trying hard. I’m coming back, I swear. But each step is like climbing a mountain.

11 thoughts on “[cancer] Struggling with the lead suit, body and mind

  1. --E says:

    “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Smart man, that Winston Churchill.

    It must be so frustrating to know you’re missing part of yourself. Hang in there. Love and trust yourself enough to know it’s coming back.

  2. Take your time. We’ll wait.

  3. Albatross says:


  4. Monica says:

    Allow yourself the time to rest and heal. Sounds like you have been really put through a lot. Don’t know how you do it. Good thoughts being sent towards you and your family.

  5. Jeff P says:

    Maybe I’m naive, but I think just writing this entry is proof you’re on the mend, even if you’re still feeling slow. And like E said below, it’s hard to imagine how frustrating it is to not have your whole self at full capacity. Best wishes.

  6. Kate says:

    Jay, you don’t owe us a $#@! thing. Don’t feel bad about the time it takes to heal. We out here in Rooting-For-Jay-Land will be fine and will celebrate accordingly when you are better.

  7. M.A. says:

    Hey, be gentle with yourself. You’ve just fought a hard battle, it’ll take awhile to get your strength back.

  8. Casey says:

    I wonder if the physical part is like how the returning Russian astronauts feel, sitting in their patio chairs after being lifted out of the landing vehicle. They do look rather pathetic.

    WRT your mind… now you know what being kinda dumb feels like. I know I’d rather be smart as you are, but I can’t be quite sure of that. I am pretty sure you want to be as smart as you were. Anyway, if you have to live there for awhile, may as well look around, see the world in half-light, so to speak.

    You’re on the other side of this event. That’s a wonderful thing.

  9. Emily Mah says:

    More people have summited Everest than have endured the trial you’ve just completed.

  10. Julie Nordeen says:

    Thanks for checking in, I’m glad to know what’s up with your tribulations. I continue to be amazed by the things you share. May good grace be your constant companion!

  11. Jonna says:

    You have gunk in your brain…the fact that you can think well enough to type out a complete sentence is pretty amazing, and a testament to the strength of your mind. We can wait while you do some housekeeping. 🙂

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