[cancer] Which way am I going?

Just had another slo-mo meltdown with the gracious Lisa. I am having a very hard time.

Part of the problem right now is we can’t tell which direction I’m going in. Most of my current health issues (other than the food, which is both dominant and a special case of conditioning and attempts at deconditioning) could point to either me slipping further into my terminal decline, or to me responding to the recent experimental immunotherapy protocol. Or both. And we won’t know for sure until mid-May, though it’s possible negative evidence will emerge in my consultations on 4/14 and 4/15.

So, yeah. Am I living or dying? What does all this exhaustion mean? How tired can one human being be?

Hence the lack of blogging and email. Fragile hope is under great duress, and my energy levels are similar to late chemo after six months of treatment. And we just don’t know…

16 thoughts on “[cancer] Which way am I going?

  1. Well, you’re still making sense, and showing high levels of self-awareness, and the ability to bring some objectivity to bear.

  2. --E says:

    What David Dyer-Bennet said above.

    Do what you gotta do to take care of yourself. We’ll all be pulling for you whether you spend a lot of time online or not.

  3. Terry says:

    Yeah, what those other two said. And extra hugs for the interim while you rest and do whatever else you need to do. You know we’re thinking about you and hoping the best.

  4. Ben Fenwick says:

    Of course we want to hear from you! And of course, in light of your recent exhaustive treatments, it’s a huge struggle for you. And of course, we know it. Thanks for what you can do, and don’t worry about what you can’t. Take all the time you need.

  5. Albatross says:

    I like to imagine that your white blood cells are saying “Oh, wait, you want us to get RID of these cells? Well sure, boss, but that’s going to mean putting in a lot of exhausting overtime!” I like to imagine cancer cells being frog-marched out the door in mass numbers by angry white blood cells annoyed at having been tricked into overlooking them until now.

  6. We humans need to understand what’s happening to us so badly. Uncertainty is the pits. Wishing you moments of calm and grace as you walk through uncertainty.

  7. Matte Lozenge says:

    Getting to some semblance of normality and balance can be the toughest job in the world sometimes. I am wishing you energy and calm.

  8. homa_bird says:

    Ahhh, you’ve hit on the only question worth asking!
    Most of us never get that far….

  9. Jay, I think your blogging and posting so far has been nothing short of heroic.

  10. M.A. says:

    Good grief. The suspense could make ya crazy. So, if you feel a tad crazy, there’s good reason. That you’re posting at all is fairly astounding.

  11. Stevie says:

    You continue to inspire, on screen or off; best wishes from Bridgetown, Barbados!

  12. Stevie says:

    Thinking of you, and your loved ones; I’m in St Maartens ready to head out for the transatlantic crossing. I’ll check back when I can.

  13. Elise Matthesen says:

    I send love to you and to herself. Also I send the image of us hanging out quietly talking while I bend sterling silver into weird shapes, because that was a really good time. Wouldn’t mind doing it again.

    1. Jay says:

      Would be nice. Let’s see how I fare…

  14. Diane Asyre says:

    It may seem otherwise yet “rest” is a verb so you are actively doing something. Keep up the good work – I’m sure it’s not your style – the effort it takes to put up with exhaustion is exhausting.

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